Have you ever felt your anger or stress level start to sky rocket as you approach a light and it goes from green to yellow to red? Anxiety seeps in. Thoughts race, "Oh my gosh now I'm going to be late, now I'm not going to get as much done, now I am wasting time!!!"
On average, an individual spends 6 months of their life waiting at red lights. It's on the top 10 list of most annoying time wasters. However, what if this moment at a red light is actually more than just an annoying, crappy, waste of time....what if it actually holds within it a secret (even deep, spiritual) purpose and meaning for my life?
I could speak about our need to stop and breathe in the world of busyness or our over committed schedules and culture, but there is something even deeper here that we all too often miss out on in the midst of our self centered schedules and days (gosh dangit, why doesn't time revolve around me and the light turn green when I pull up ?#@*&!).
I was driving to work this past week, and I was approaching a light. It felt like it turned red just to spite me. I felt the muscles in my face go from relaxed and joyful to tensed and angry. My radio was on as background noise and I was mechanically singing along to a song. About a minute into my red light wait, the words to the song I was singing hit me.
"I'm alive, I'm alive... because He lives. Amen, Amen. Let my song join the one that never ends (Matt Maher - Because He lives)."
And suddenly I was unstuck. I wasn't just waiting aimlessly at another stupid red light. I was praising from the depths of my little heart.
Here I was, after going through all 40 days (plus Sundays!!) of Lent, without listening to any other music or public radio, and listening only to religious music, Christian radio, the Rosary or sermons on CD. And it had been a struggle (I have serious radio ADD). Yet it took getting past Easter Sunday to realize that despite all of this Lenten (human...) effort, how much MORE could I be praising God?
If I spend 6 months of my life at red lights, how much of that time have I wasted away out of anger or frustration? How much more can I spend praising God for the fact that I am alive and that He has given me this gift of new life through His Resurrection? It gives time (even waiting, stopped, "wasted" time) value and worth beyond this world. This earthly existence of driving to work and stopping at red lights means so much more than the annoyance assigned to it by the world.
What about the "stop lights" of my life? When I am stuck waiting or a door closes (or slams in my face) - what will I choose to do with that time? Will I choose to waste it away....
Can I choose to live in praise rather than the frustration, doubt, fear, and shame that so often comes sometimes when I am anxiously awaiting the next thing in my life? It should remind me always to live in the grace of the present moment. I feel I have uncovered another treasure buried in St. Paul's exhortation to "Pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17)."
There is another famous phrase that goes, "When one door closes, another one opens, but it's the space in the hallway that can kill you." I am still learning to find the grace in those moments, the quiet praise of God that can come from the depths of my soul, when I simply praise God because I am alive (and waiting!!!) in the present moment.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Dark Desert Nights
I was recently listening to someone read the passage of Matthew (chapter 4, verses 1-11) where Jesus is tempted in the desert for 40 days and nights. At first my brain was kind of like, "yeah yeah....same story...Jesus tempted, desert, lent, sacrifice, fish on Fridays, yada, yada, yada..." But then my brain woke up, and was like, "Hello...40 days AND AND AND NIGHTS...." Dang. The word "Night..." just echoing in my mind. My heart sank.
Jesus in the desert, at night, being tempted by Satan himself. Let the reality of what that must have been like sink in....
I get nervous walking my dog outside at night in our backyard even anywhere that is remotely close to a small patch of woods. That's 20 feet from my house, with a 90 lbs. dog to protect me, with no one tempting me to sin. I have also fought my own dark battles with depression both in high school and with PTSD after college. Deep, dark, very scary battles.
And here is Jesus, my Savior, both God and still very much a man...alone in the darkness with Satan. He's not sleeping, he's not eating, it gets very cold on desert nights, and he is totally alone, and he's under constant torment from Satan. The account in Scripture gives us only a small glimpse into those 40 days. All I know is that when the angels came to minister to Him - what relief there must have been and solace in that comfort from above. Like a war torn soldier coming home and finally receiving that well earned rest away from the enemy and bloody battles.
God knows what it is like to fight hard battles. He knows what it is like to feel completely abandoned. He gets what it is like to be on the brink of giving up. Yet how often do I forget that reality both in my big battle moments (like with PTSD) and in my day to day struggles (fighting impatience, gossip, greed...). He knows. He really really knows.
Lean on his strength. Lean on his love. Lean on his presence.
Jesus in the desert, at night, being tempted by Satan himself. Let the reality of what that must have been like sink in....
I get nervous walking my dog outside at night in our backyard even anywhere that is remotely close to a small patch of woods. That's 20 feet from my house, with a 90 lbs. dog to protect me, with no one tempting me to sin. I have also fought my own dark battles with depression both in high school and with PTSD after college. Deep, dark, very scary battles.
And here is Jesus, my Savior, both God and still very much a man...alone in the darkness with Satan. He's not sleeping, he's not eating, it gets very cold on desert nights, and he is totally alone, and he's under constant torment from Satan. The account in Scripture gives us only a small glimpse into those 40 days. All I know is that when the angels came to minister to Him - what relief there must have been and solace in that comfort from above. Like a war torn soldier coming home and finally receiving that well earned rest away from the enemy and bloody battles.
God knows what it is like to fight hard battles. He knows what it is like to feel completely abandoned. He gets what it is like to be on the brink of giving up. Yet how often do I forget that reality both in my big battle moments (like with PTSD) and in my day to day struggles (fighting impatience, gossip, greed...). He knows. He really really knows.
Lean on his strength. Lean on his love. Lean on his presence.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Why Distance Doesn't Matter: Part 2
Currently 8 months into our long distance relationship adventure, I wanted to write on some insights that have developed as Greg and I have traversed along. As of June, we are now happily engaged - and starting to dream and do some initial wedding planning (yay!) but this has made the distance seem to grow in size at times.
A vast amount of insight has come from the months apart - here are some nuggets -
We found our "limit" - I think every couple has an amount of time where they can somewhat comfortably be apart before feeling absolute frustration at the distance. For us, we discovered our breaking point between the end of February and May. By April, 3 months had gone by where we had not seen each other in person. We started turning into bf and gf nasty. Phone calls (and even FaceTime did not cut it) turned into silent moments or bitterness or pure frustration. We realized that it wasn't Greg (lol) or me - but just the simple fact that we had not been in each other's presence for over 3 months. When I came to St. Louis in May we agreed, let's not do that to each other again if we can avoid it!
Having a life and keeping busy really does help - this is so true!! Knowing the separation is temporary helps, but even knowing that, it's important to keep busy and live your life just like you would if you were in the same place. Greg and I have never been a couple attached at the hip (we are both very independent people...) but sometimes distance can make it feel like you are never going to live your lives together. It can get depressing very quickly. It helps if you can keep in mind...1) this is temporary and 2) I'm going to make the best out of enjoying the people and places that I am surrounded by right now. Living life in the here and now has helped ease my heart. I know God has provided me with family, friends, and merriment to keep my heart full of joy - and that's where my focus needs to be.
"Being apart really sucks sometimes and I freaking hate it!" I definitely have my moments (and moods) where I "freakin miss Greg" but again accepting that feeling this way is part of the long distance thing, it's normal, and putting my energy into something positive helps me get through those rough moments. I don't have one thing that I do every time I'm in a distance funk, but I do have a few stand-bys that have helped.
First of all, it's important to enjoy the visit and not focus on the good-bye/when you will be leaving because that can ruin being in the present moment and simply enjoying the other person's company. Greg and I act like we would normally act if we were still living in the same city during our visits and we purposely try not to talk about when the other person will be leaving or being apart. I believe this does help tremendously though it is tempting to bring up some times.
I also bring something that I can leave behind when I go - inexpensive small presents or notes that will remind him of me. It seems small but it helps me a lot to know that I am leaving something of myself with him until the next time I will see him in person. It is a small physical reminder/expression of my love for him. Sometimes I also like to write a note (the night/morning before leaving) about how much I enjoyed the visit or what I'll remember of our time together. This allows me to reflect on the positive and take some of that joy with me on the way back.
Know that sometimes it's okay to fall apart - one visit, Greg and I barely held it together when I dropped him off to head back to St. Louis. We had a very nice visit but all I could focus on was watching him leave and feeling like we just did not have enough time together. As I drove away from the airport, I started crying (aka sob fest). I circled the airport once trying to calm down, seriously considered calling him and telling him not to go, drove for about 5 minutes then pulled over in a safe place and just let myself cry. When he texted me that he was through security, I called him and we talked through it. We both shared how we were feeling, talked about how good the visit was, and plans for the next visit. It did help but the rest of the day I still felt like I was in a funk. Those moments are bound to happen every once in a while on this journey - and that's totally okay - I'm pretty sure it just means I love him and I'm cool with that.
A vast amount of insight has come from the months apart - here are some nuggets -
We found our "limit" - I think every couple has an amount of time where they can somewhat comfortably be apart before feeling absolute frustration at the distance. For us, we discovered our breaking point between the end of February and May. By April, 3 months had gone by where we had not seen each other in person. We started turning into bf and gf nasty. Phone calls (and even FaceTime did not cut it) turned into silent moments or bitterness or pure frustration. We realized that it wasn't Greg (lol) or me - but just the simple fact that we had not been in each other's presence for over 3 months. When I came to St. Louis in May we agreed, let's not do that to each other again if we can avoid it!
Having a life and keeping busy really does help - this is so true!! Knowing the separation is temporary helps, but even knowing that, it's important to keep busy and live your life just like you would if you were in the same place. Greg and I have never been a couple attached at the hip (we are both very independent people...) but sometimes distance can make it feel like you are never going to live your lives together. It can get depressing very quickly. It helps if you can keep in mind...1) this is temporary and 2) I'm going to make the best out of enjoying the people and places that I am surrounded by right now. Living life in the here and now has helped ease my heart. I know God has provided me with family, friends, and merriment to keep my heart full of joy - and that's where my focus needs to be.
"Being apart really sucks sometimes and I freaking hate it!" I definitely have my moments (and moods) where I "freakin miss Greg" but again accepting that feeling this way is part of the long distance thing, it's normal, and putting my energy into something positive helps me get through those rough moments. I don't have one thing that I do every time I'm in a distance funk, but I do have a few stand-bys that have helped.
- The first few months, I created a website just for Greg and I where I posted my thoughts or wrote things that I loved (*ahem* missed) about Greg. This was helpful for those moments when Greg was busy or working. It was a great way for me to focus on our relationship on my own, and put my energy into doing something creative and fun.
- Another thing I have done is send Greg packages - this I don't do very often - but again it puts my energy and focus into doing something loving and fun for him. And I know he'll feel closer to me when he receives it....(right now I'm planning one that I'm really excited about...shhh...don't tell Greg!!!)
- Be honest. If I'm feeling distant, it's important to tell Greg that rather than acting snotty and disgruntled on the phone. He can totally sympathize with me (duh) but I can forget this. Instead of keeping emotions bottled up, it is way better to be honest right up front at the start of the phone call.
First of all, it's important to enjoy the visit and not focus on the good-bye/when you will be leaving because that can ruin being in the present moment and simply enjoying the other person's company. Greg and I act like we would normally act if we were still living in the same city during our visits and we purposely try not to talk about when the other person will be leaving or being apart. I believe this does help tremendously though it is tempting to bring up some times.
I also bring something that I can leave behind when I go - inexpensive small presents or notes that will remind him of me. It seems small but it helps me a lot to know that I am leaving something of myself with him until the next time I will see him in person. It is a small physical reminder/expression of my love for him. Sometimes I also like to write a note (the night/morning before leaving) about how much I enjoyed the visit or what I'll remember of our time together. This allows me to reflect on the positive and take some of that joy with me on the way back.
Know that sometimes it's okay to fall apart - one visit, Greg and I barely held it together when I dropped him off to head back to St. Louis. We had a very nice visit but all I could focus on was watching him leave and feeling like we just did not have enough time together. As I drove away from the airport, I started crying (aka sob fest). I circled the airport once trying to calm down, seriously considered calling him and telling him not to go, drove for about 5 minutes then pulled over in a safe place and just let myself cry. When he texted me that he was through security, I called him and we talked through it. We both shared how we were feeling, talked about how good the visit was, and plans for the next visit. It did help but the rest of the day I still felt like I was in a funk. Those moments are bound to happen every once in a while on this journey - and that's totally okay - I'm pretty sure it just means I love him and I'm cool with that.
With Greg at Adam Puchta Winery in Hermann, MO - June 2012 - the day he proposed!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Can We Do That Again?
Last week, I had a long and exhausting week of church events - from rehearsals to First Communions to the closing of the Religious Education year. After my final event, the Closing Mass for our Religious Education program, I was standing in the foyer of church, greeting and talking with people as they left. Two of the children in our program came up to me excitedly, all-smiles, "Can we do that again??" They had brought up the gifts of bread and wine at the offertory during Mass. I had never seen anyone THAT excited about serving during church. These kids were literally jumping out of their skin. The girl said, "I was so nervous but as soon as we were up there with the priests and just those people right there, everyone else faded away. It was just us and it was so cool." I will never forget those smiles or their overwhelming excitement. You would have thought they just went on the best ride at Disney.
It never ceases to amaze me that it is the small things that bring the greatest joy. I am thankful that the Lord had put it on my heart to ask the family I did to bring up the gifts during Mass - and that I could be a catalyst for the opportunity of joy that Jesus wanted to give to His children. God also spoke to my heart through this simple joyful moment.
There is something about offering our gifts and our lives to God. He does not really need our gifts but He allows us to enter into His abundant joy when we offer our gifts to Him. It's not so much about fame or fortune, but about simply offering our gifts to the Lord. The blessing we receive in return is a heart full of joy.
"You will show me the path to life. In Your presence is fullness of joy. At your right hand there are pleasures forever," Psalm 16:11
"The joy of the Lord is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10
It never ceases to amaze me that it is the small things that bring the greatest joy. I am thankful that the Lord had put it on my heart to ask the family I did to bring up the gifts during Mass - and that I could be a catalyst for the opportunity of joy that Jesus wanted to give to His children. God also spoke to my heart through this simple joyful moment.
There is something about offering our gifts and our lives to God. He does not really need our gifts but He allows us to enter into His abundant joy when we offer our gifts to Him. It's not so much about fame or fortune, but about simply offering our gifts to the Lord. The blessing we receive in return is a heart full of joy.
"You will show me the path to life. In Your presence is fullness of joy. At your right hand there are pleasures forever," Psalm 16:11
"The joy of the Lord is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I Confess.
Without a doubt, one of the most challenging aspects of my life as a Catholic Christian is the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It can be at the same time both transforming and terrifying. With the move, a new job, and just having transition in my life, I was finding that I did not have a lot of time for my own personal spiritual life. I felt an ache in my heart to go back to Reconciliation but whenever I thought I would finally have the chance to get to a Reconciliation time at a parish, something inevitably would come up.
Which I confess, I didn't really mind. I didn't really want to go confess my sins (who actually enjoys that....unless you are already a saint....) but I knew that the Lord was drawing my heart to encounter with Him in this Sacrament. He wanted to bring healing to my mind and my heart...how could I keep saying no to that? I had been avoiding this Sacrament...mainly because I had been losing faith and confidence in myself; and in God working in me and in my life; all lies.
So I prayed for courage, strength, and the time in my schedule to make it to a parish somewhere to enter into a new stage in my relationship with Jesus and to experience the deep healing of his forgiveness....
I truly believe God put the details together for me. Working for a church, you kind of want to keep the balance and boundary in your life of not going to any of the priests you work with for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I was praying that God would show me where to go to receive this Sacrament. For some reason, St. Leo kept popping into my head...I couldn't even remember where the church was or how far away it was...I wasn't even sure that I had ever been there. I google mapped it and planned to go the next day on Saturday afternoon. It was the only parish that happened to have confessions at a time that I could go and still get to Mass back at St. Joe's on Saturday evening. Everything fell into place.
The whole way there my stomach was in knots....my nerves felt like they were eating me alive. But still I felt the strong presence of the Holy Spirit drawing my heart and the soft hand of God guiding me. I knew there was some reason I was going and something that He wanted to speak to my heart.
When I pulled into the parking lot, it was cold and dreary, like a ghost town....there were barely any cars and no other people around. I could feel my heart start to beat faster. I took a deep breath and walked to the church. The church was empty and all the lights were out. I thought for a moment that I was in the wrong place....luckily someone else walked in who had never been there before either. It was like God was showing me through this person that I could do this and that He was leading me. My new friend and I wandered around the foyer for a moment before finding out that the confessions took place in a chapel located at the front of the church.
The chapel was immediately calming - beautiful, lightly lit, with a crucifix above the altar that immediately drew my heart. I felt Jesus say to me - I've been waiting for you. I knelt down to pray for a moment and then got into the line that had begun to form. I was restless in line - extremely anxious....I kept reminding myself that Jesus already took everything on the Cross and also that He would give me the strength (I can do all things through Him who gives me strength....). I prayed a rosary....and felt that He was already renewing my faith. All that I know is that I am a sinner and He is the Savior.
I watched as other people came out of confession...they unknowingly strengthened my resolve to confess everything to Jesus. It takes great courage to make a good confession...especially if you have been fighting and struggling in your heart. I felt a surge of inner confidence as I approached....the light from inside the confessional piercing the darkness of the chapel (and of my heart....). I knew it was the moment to let go.
What came next was one of the most if not the most powerful experience of Reconciliation with Jesus that I have ever had in my life....and I can say that I am so glad that I face the anxiety and the struggle that it some times takes to get myself to that Sacrament. I know that I met with Jesus that day. I felt like I was sitting down with Him face-to-face, and He was pouring out all His love on my sins. The words of the priest that day. Wow. I know without a doubt that the Holy Spirit was speaking through him in a powerful way for me. I want to share a couple of things the priest said to me that I had never heard before - and that I feel are extremely powerful for facing sin in our lives and remembering that Jesus wants to bring us healing.
Which I confess, I didn't really mind. I didn't really want to go confess my sins (who actually enjoys that....unless you are already a saint....) but I knew that the Lord was drawing my heart to encounter with Him in this Sacrament. He wanted to bring healing to my mind and my heart...how could I keep saying no to that? I had been avoiding this Sacrament...mainly because I had been losing faith and confidence in myself; and in God working in me and in my life; all lies.
So I prayed for courage, strength, and the time in my schedule to make it to a parish somewhere to enter into a new stage in my relationship with Jesus and to experience the deep healing of his forgiveness....
I truly believe God put the details together for me. Working for a church, you kind of want to keep the balance and boundary in your life of not going to any of the priests you work with for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I was praying that God would show me where to go to receive this Sacrament. For some reason, St. Leo kept popping into my head...I couldn't even remember where the church was or how far away it was...I wasn't even sure that I had ever been there. I google mapped it and planned to go the next day on Saturday afternoon. It was the only parish that happened to have confessions at a time that I could go and still get to Mass back at St. Joe's on Saturday evening. Everything fell into place.
The whole way there my stomach was in knots....my nerves felt like they were eating me alive. But still I felt the strong presence of the Holy Spirit drawing my heart and the soft hand of God guiding me. I knew there was some reason I was going and something that He wanted to speak to my heart.
When I pulled into the parking lot, it was cold and dreary, like a ghost town....there were barely any cars and no other people around. I could feel my heart start to beat faster. I took a deep breath and walked to the church. The church was empty and all the lights were out. I thought for a moment that I was in the wrong place....luckily someone else walked in who had never been there before either. It was like God was showing me through this person that I could do this and that He was leading me. My new friend and I wandered around the foyer for a moment before finding out that the confessions took place in a chapel located at the front of the church.
The chapel was immediately calming - beautiful, lightly lit, with a crucifix above the altar that immediately drew my heart. I felt Jesus say to me - I've been waiting for you. I knelt down to pray for a moment and then got into the line that had begun to form. I was restless in line - extremely anxious....I kept reminding myself that Jesus already took everything on the Cross and also that He would give me the strength (I can do all things through Him who gives me strength....). I prayed a rosary....and felt that He was already renewing my faith. All that I know is that I am a sinner and He is the Savior.
I watched as other people came out of confession...they unknowingly strengthened my resolve to confess everything to Jesus. It takes great courage to make a good confession...especially if you have been fighting and struggling in your heart. I felt a surge of inner confidence as I approached....the light from inside the confessional piercing the darkness of the chapel (and of my heart....). I knew it was the moment to let go.
What came next was one of the most if not the most powerful experience of Reconciliation with Jesus that I have ever had in my life....and I can say that I am so glad that I face the anxiety and the struggle that it some times takes to get myself to that Sacrament. I know that I met with Jesus that day. I felt like I was sitting down with Him face-to-face, and He was pouring out all His love on my sins. The words of the priest that day. Wow. I know without a doubt that the Holy Spirit was speaking through him in a powerful way for me. I want to share a couple of things the priest said to me that I had never heard before - and that I feel are extremely powerful for facing sin in our lives and remembering that Jesus wants to bring us healing.
- Satan will try to attack your thoughts from the moment that you get up in the morning - anything that is negative is from him. Ignore him.
- He will try to get you to do one of two things:
- Get you to sin. This has two outcomes - You don't sin and you resist him, then Jesus wins. Or you do sin and Jesus takes it on, then Jesus wins. Either way Jesus wins over sin. (In a dark alley when you fear sin or are scared after you sin - Jesus is like a martial arts black belt protecting you...call out to Him always).
- Make you despair. Negative thoughts - you're no good, you're a terrible person, you're not worthy of God's love. This is not from God. You can't think this way - it's not good for the body of Christ and the people that God wants you to serve. We are all in need of mercy and Jesus pours it out freely so in all things you can know Jesus has already and will always defeat Satan.
- Sacraments are free. So if Jesus is calling you to receive the Sacraments then go receive them!!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Why Distance Doesn't Matter
At the end of January, I relocated from St. Louis back to Pennsylvania to take a job working as the Coordinator of Religious Education at my home church, where both my grandparents and brother attend Mass every Sunday. Most friends and family were surprised when the announcement came out that I was moving because I'm in a serious dating relationship with Greg, and have been for almost 3 years. "Isn't that going to be difficult?"...."Is everything okay?"..."What's going to happen next?" People seemed pretty concerned - but we had to laugh.
Here's a little of the back story...
When Greg and I first started dating, it was difficult for me to be able to communicate with him. At one point, I even wrote letters to try to get what I was feeling out! One thing that attracted me to Greg was his ability to say what he was feeling as he was feeling it, not holding back, and being completely honest about it. I have never had to guess how Greg is feeling about something because he always tells me!
Slowly, trust was built in our relationship with each other and talking about everything became easier for me. Most people who met me when I first started working in St. Louis witnessed a big change in me as I began dating Greg. He opened me up even when I didn't have the words. He has an uncanny ability to read me like a book and he won't take "nothing" for an answer! I also know that he wants what is best for me and for us as a couple, and that he is 110% in this.
We've had our ups and downs, like all couples, and some good hard core fights (just ask Greg's friend, Pat lol). I would not take those hard moments back for the world because I feel that we have learned so much about how to communicate with each other and the ways our words can effect the other person. It's saying what we mean in a way the other person can hear. Always a challenge - but worth the commitment. And plus, we can laugh at those moments now....
So, when the job was advertised at my home parish over 800 miles away and my grandparents called to tell me about it - Greg didn't hesitate to tell me how he felt about it - "You need to take this interview!" - confident about the amazing things that could come from it for me and also for our relationship. My immediate reaction was, "No. I do not need to do this, Think about how hard the distance is going to be."
We had many in-depth conversations about what would be challenging and the vast amount of blessings that could come from this move for me. I took the interview...unsure if I would actually get the job...but knowing that Greg and I could handle it if I was offered the job. After I returned to St. Louis after the interview, I had a gut feeling that I probably would get the job and I spent a lot of time praying and telling God that I didn't want this job offer but knew that I needed it and that in fact it would be a huge answer to prayer if I received an offer.
In December, I got the call and everything started to become a reality as I prepared to transition and move. Greg was immediately reassuring about our relationship, about how it would cause us to be even stronger as a couple, and how good this was for me personally. We were used to talking every day already by phone, communicating about everything, and sometimes not seeing each other except for once a week because of our jobs or other commitments. We could handle this. Especially with the plan of one day being able to be married to each other and living in the same place without the burden of financial debt!!
Many couples have to deal with distance at one time or another in the span of their relationship, whether in dating or in marriage, due to job responsibilities, financial burdens, or military moves. It happens quite a lot, so by no means did we have to try to re-invent the wheel on how to deal with the emotion or tension of being in two different places. We talked it through almost daily leading up to the moving day, and I wrote a list of all the positives and negatives of the move so that we could remind ourselves in the days to come that this was the best decision. One of the other things Greg made clear to me was that he was not saying goodbye. This was simply a see you later. That really helped me to stay positive about everything.
It's true that the hardest day for us was the day I started the long drive back to Pennsylvania. I will never forget that day. It was draining emotionally and a huge difficulty for both of us. It wasn't something that either one of us wanted to do but it's also true that it was a sign of the deep love that we have for each other. There was a moment when I broke down on the way back, but within two minutes, Greg had decided to call me and we were able to talk through the tough spot. Again by being positive - we can do this, this isn't that hard, and this move is a good thing for you and for us.
And that really is why distance doesn't matter. Yes, there are moments when we miss each other or when we wish we were in the same place. But there's something more important that underlies everything for both of us - the desire for what is truly best for the other, trust, and the commitment to love and sacrifice for the best, both for our relationship not just for now but for the future. And that makes me feel loved, incredibly blessed, and incredibly happy.
Here's a little of the back story...
When Greg and I first started dating, it was difficult for me to be able to communicate with him. At one point, I even wrote letters to try to get what I was feeling out! One thing that attracted me to Greg was his ability to say what he was feeling as he was feeling it, not holding back, and being completely honest about it. I have never had to guess how Greg is feeling about something because he always tells me! Slowly, trust was built in our relationship with each other and talking about everything became easier for me. Most people who met me when I first started working in St. Louis witnessed a big change in me as I began dating Greg. He opened me up even when I didn't have the words. He has an uncanny ability to read me like a book and he won't take "nothing" for an answer! I also know that he wants what is best for me and for us as a couple, and that he is 110% in this.
We've had our ups and downs, like all couples, and some good hard core fights (just ask Greg's friend, Pat lol). I would not take those hard moments back for the world because I feel that we have learned so much about how to communicate with each other and the ways our words can effect the other person. It's saying what we mean in a way the other person can hear. Always a challenge - but worth the commitment. And plus, we can laugh at those moments now....
So, when the job was advertised at my home parish over 800 miles away and my grandparents called to tell me about it - Greg didn't hesitate to tell me how he felt about it - "You need to take this interview!" - confident about the amazing things that could come from it for me and also for our relationship. My immediate reaction was, "No. I do not need to do this, Think about how hard the distance is going to be."
We had many in-depth conversations about what would be challenging and the vast amount of blessings that could come from this move for me. I took the interview...unsure if I would actually get the job...but knowing that Greg and I could handle it if I was offered the job. After I returned to St. Louis after the interview, I had a gut feeling that I probably would get the job and I spent a lot of time praying and telling God that I didn't want this job offer but knew that I needed it and that in fact it would be a huge answer to prayer if I received an offer.
In December, I got the call and everything started to become a reality as I prepared to transition and move. Greg was immediately reassuring about our relationship, about how it would cause us to be even stronger as a couple, and how good this was for me personally. We were used to talking every day already by phone, communicating about everything, and sometimes not seeing each other except for once a week because of our jobs or other commitments. We could handle this. Especially with the plan of one day being able to be married to each other and living in the same place without the burden of financial debt!!
Many couples have to deal with distance at one time or another in the span of their relationship, whether in dating or in marriage, due to job responsibilities, financial burdens, or military moves. It happens quite a lot, so by no means did we have to try to re-invent the wheel on how to deal with the emotion or tension of being in two different places. We talked it through almost daily leading up to the moving day, and I wrote a list of all the positives and negatives of the move so that we could remind ourselves in the days to come that this was the best decision. One of the other things Greg made clear to me was that he was not saying goodbye. This was simply a see you later. That really helped me to stay positive about everything.
It's true that the hardest day for us was the day I started the long drive back to Pennsylvania. I will never forget that day. It was draining emotionally and a huge difficulty for both of us. It wasn't something that either one of us wanted to do but it's also true that it was a sign of the deep love that we have for each other. There was a moment when I broke down on the way back, but within two minutes, Greg had decided to call me and we were able to talk through the tough spot. Again by being positive - we can do this, this isn't that hard, and this move is a good thing for you and for us. And that really is why distance doesn't matter. Yes, there are moments when we miss each other or when we wish we were in the same place. But there's something more important that underlies everything for both of us - the desire for what is truly best for the other, trust, and the commitment to love and sacrifice for the best, both for our relationship not just for now but for the future. And that makes me feel loved, incredibly blessed, and incredibly happy.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Do you want the Cross? Meditating on Jesus' Passion
My heart was not in Lent this year. I grudgingly went to the Ash Wednesday service. Inside I was feeling farther from God than close to Him. The only thing in prayer that I felt called to offer up for Lent was donuts...talk about feeling like a spiritual weakling! I dreaded answering the fated question, "So, Erica, what are you giving up for Lent?" I listened to my friend's grand plans to give up alcohol or Facebook or television AND movies for Lent....and I had donuts on my list. I felt tired, weary, and it was day 1 of 40.
Something changed. It may seem like a simple revelation, but it was the way it hit my heart. I was suffering restlessly through a Thursday in Adoration at St. Joseph Church with the youth catechism (YouCat), half-reading/half-skimming/(half-nodding off) through a section about Jesus (woah...), just trying to get through my prayer time, when I happened to catch the question,
"Was Jesus really dead? Maybe he was able to rise again because he only appeared to have suffered death." and the answer, "Jesus really died on the Cross; his body was buried. All the sources testify to this" (YouCat paragraph 103).
I re-read that statement probably 10 times in a row. I felt baffled by it. My heart sunk - I thought about the fact that Roman soldiers had made the determination that Jesus was dead. The finality of death applied to Jesus, the Son of God, Jesus, all powerful healer, Lord of Lords, King of Kings... hit me like a ton of bricks. Death. It seems so final...so unfitting...so unreal. I knew God was trying to speak something to my heart....but what?
After that "Jesus really died" moment in Adoration, God started to give me ample opportunities to pray the Stations of the Cross, the traditional 14 step journey with Jesus to his death and burial in the tomb. All different versions and meditations of it (God knows I get bored easily...), first it was Stations that my friends invited me to come to based on the Scripture verses surrounding Jesus' Passion and Death, then it was the Religious Ed Stations with the kids in the program I coordinate, and finally a candlelit meditation where my brother happened to be running sound.
Slowly the power of Jesus' free choice to save us started to sink in to my mind. During the last set of Stations, as I finally closed my eyes and settled into prayer, the haunting image of Jesus' face with the crown of thorns surrounding his head came into my mind. There was no hate there, only love. "Jesus was going to die" the phrase still resounding in my heart from Adoration. He knew that he was going to die, and he was choosing to die. I sat with that image for days afterwards. And even though the image of His suffering was in my mind, I still felt so far from Him. Like a stranger observing an historical event that happened far too long ago...and not a disciple, let alone a close friend...
A couple of weeks later, I found myself at Adoration again. This time I came expecting, listening, and ready for Jesus to say something to me. I opened a prayer book to see that the reflection for that day was on "Meditating on the Passion"....I will simply write here part of the meditation I read that struck me,
"We do well then to contemplate Our Lord's Passion....sometimes we imagine ourselves to be there, present amongst those who witnessed those moments....We put ourselves among the onlookers and see the disfigured yet noble face of Jesus. Astonishingly, we feel his infinite patience. With the help of grace, moreover, we can also try to contemplate the Passion of Christ as He himself lived it. It seems impossible, and of course it will always be a very impoverished view...but it can become for us an extraordinarily rich source of prayer..." (In Conversation with God, page 231-232).
My immediate reaction to was to rebel against this idea. Who wants to walk with Jesus on the Way of the Cross? It's a terrible, ugly, a brutal thing to witness....and now you are saying that you want me to imagine that I am one with Jesus in His suffering, in His Passion? St. Leo the Great tells us, "Whoever truly wishes to venerate the Passion of the Lord should contemplate Jesus crucified with the eyes of his soul, and in such a way that he identifies his own body with that of Jesus." Really Lord? What good could that possibly do for us now? This happened so long ago. As if the author could read my mind, the next section of the reflection was entitled, "The fruits of such meditation." So this is a good thing God?
The gravity and finality of Christ's Passion and Death should weigh on my mind and heart. Not just in moments when I am praying but in moments when I am faced with sin, with struggle, and with my own suffering. Both when it is a cross that I want to take on (like facing Confession when it is extremely difficult or offering up donuts for Lent) AND when it is a cross that I do not want (like taxes or illness or loneliness or pain). Jesus suffered as much as it is possible for a man to suffer, He truly died, and He truly was raised. This is what we enter into during Holy Week and at every Mass where we enter into His Passion, Death, and Resurrection. The joy of the Resurrection is found through this Way of the Cross (not around it) - may we all have the courage to enter in - both in prayer and in our lives.
Something changed. It may seem like a simple revelation, but it was the way it hit my heart. I was suffering restlessly through a Thursday in Adoration at St. Joseph Church with the youth catechism (YouCat), half-reading/half-skimming/(half-nodding off) through a section about Jesus (woah...), just trying to get through my prayer time, when I happened to catch the question,
"Was Jesus really dead? Maybe he was able to rise again because he only appeared to have suffered death." and the answer, "Jesus really died on the Cross; his body was buried. All the sources testify to this" (YouCat paragraph 103).
I re-read that statement probably 10 times in a row. I felt baffled by it. My heart sunk - I thought about the fact that Roman soldiers had made the determination that Jesus was dead. The finality of death applied to Jesus, the Son of God, Jesus, all powerful healer, Lord of Lords, King of Kings... hit me like a ton of bricks. Death. It seems so final...so unfitting...so unreal. I knew God was trying to speak something to my heart....but what?
After that "Jesus really died" moment in Adoration, God started to give me ample opportunities to pray the Stations of the Cross, the traditional 14 step journey with Jesus to his death and burial in the tomb. All different versions and meditations of it (God knows I get bored easily...), first it was Stations that my friends invited me to come to based on the Scripture verses surrounding Jesus' Passion and Death, then it was the Religious Ed Stations with the kids in the program I coordinate, and finally a candlelit meditation where my brother happened to be running sound.
Slowly the power of Jesus' free choice to save us started to sink in to my mind. During the last set of Stations, as I finally closed my eyes and settled into prayer, the haunting image of Jesus' face with the crown of thorns surrounding his head came into my mind. There was no hate there, only love. "Jesus was going to die" the phrase still resounding in my heart from Adoration. He knew that he was going to die, and he was choosing to die. I sat with that image for days afterwards. And even though the image of His suffering was in my mind, I still felt so far from Him. Like a stranger observing an historical event that happened far too long ago...and not a disciple, let alone a close friend...
A couple of weeks later, I found myself at Adoration again. This time I came expecting, listening, and ready for Jesus to say something to me. I opened a prayer book to see that the reflection for that day was on "Meditating on the Passion"....I will simply write here part of the meditation I read that struck me,
"We do well then to contemplate Our Lord's Passion....sometimes we imagine ourselves to be there, present amongst those who witnessed those moments....We put ourselves among the onlookers and see the disfigured yet noble face of Jesus. Astonishingly, we feel his infinite patience. With the help of grace, moreover, we can also try to contemplate the Passion of Christ as He himself lived it. It seems impossible, and of course it will always be a very impoverished view...but it can become for us an extraordinarily rich source of prayer..." (In Conversation with God, page 231-232).
My immediate reaction to was to rebel against this idea. Who wants to walk with Jesus on the Way of the Cross? It's a terrible, ugly, a brutal thing to witness....and now you are saying that you want me to imagine that I am one with Jesus in His suffering, in His Passion? St. Leo the Great tells us, "Whoever truly wishes to venerate the Passion of the Lord should contemplate Jesus crucified with the eyes of his soul, and in such a way that he identifies his own body with that of Jesus." Really Lord? What good could that possibly do for us now? This happened so long ago. As if the author could read my mind, the next section of the reflection was entitled, "The fruits of such meditation." So this is a good thing God?
"The divine and human events of the Passion will then pierce our soul as words spoken to us by God to uncover the secrets of our heart and show us what he expects of our lives...It is in Christ's wounds that we learn of the evil of sin which condemned him to suffer...It is in Christ's wounds that we find proof of his great love for us, for He endured such terrible pain and suffering precisely so as to show us just how much he loved us...A sin, therefore, is so much more than a human error...His Passion will inflame our love..."
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