Why Distance Doesn't Matter: Part 2

Currently 8 months into our long distance relationship adventure, I wanted to write on some insights that have developed as Greg and I have traversed along. As of June, we are now happily engaged - and starting to dream and do some initial wedding planning (yay!) but this has made the distance seem to grow in size at times.

A vast amount of insight has come from the months apart - here are some nuggets -

We found our "limit" - I think every couple has an amount of time where they can somewhat comfortably be apart before feeling absolute frustration at the distance. For us, we discovered our breaking point between the end of February and May. By April, 3 months had gone by where we had not seen each other in person. We started turning into bf and gf nasty. Phone calls (and even FaceTime did not cut it) turned into silent moments or bitterness or pure frustration. We realized that it wasn't Greg (lol) or me - but just the simple fact that we had not been in each other's presence for over 3 months. When I came to St. Louis in May we agreed, let's not do that to each other again if we can avoid it!

Having a life and keeping busy really does help - this is so true!! Knowing the separation is temporary helps, but even knowing that, it's important to keep busy and live your life just like you would if you were in the same place. Greg and I have never been a couple attached at the hip (we are both very independent people...) but sometimes distance can make it feel like you are never going to live your lives together. It can get depressing very quickly. It helps if you can keep in mind...1) this is temporary and 2) I'm going to make the best out of enjoying the people and places that I am surrounded by right now. Living life in the here and now has helped ease my heart. I know God has provided me with family, friends, and merriment to keep my heart full of joy - and that's where my focus needs to be.

"Being apart really sucks sometimes and I freaking hate it!" I definitely have my moments (and moods) where I "freakin miss Greg" but again accepting that feeling this way is part of the long distance thing, it's normal, and putting my energy into something positive helps me get through those rough moments. I don't have one thing that I do every time I'm in a distance funk, but I do have a few stand-bys that have helped.

1. The first few months, I created a website just for Greg and I where I posted my thoughts or wrote things that I loved (*ahem* missed) about Greg. This was helpful for those moments when Greg was busy or working. It was a great way for me to focus on our relationship on my own, and put my energy into doing something creative and fun.
2. Another thing I have done is send Greg packages - this I don't do very often - but again it puts my energy and focus into doing something loving and fun for him. And I know he'll feel closer to me when he receives it....(right now I'm planning one that I'm really excited about...shhh...don't tell Greg!!!)
3. Be honest. If I'm feeling distant, it's important to tell Greg that rather than acting snotty and disgruntled on the phone. He can totally sympathize with me (duh) but I can forget this. Instead of keeping emotions bottled up, it is way better to be honest right up front at the start of the phone call.

My last tid-bit of insight has come from the times we are together and then have to say good-bye at the end of a visit. This is probably the hardest thing we have had to learn to deal with in our long distance relationship.

First of all, it's important to enjoy the visit and not focus on the good-bye/when you will be leaving because that can ruin being in the present moment and simply enjoying the other person's company. Greg and I act like we would normally act if we were still living in the same city during our visits and we purposely try not to talk about when the other person will be leaving or being apart. I believe this does help tremendously though it is tempting to bring up some times.

I also bring something that I can leave behind when I go - inexpensive small presents or notes that will remind him of me. It seems small but it helps me a lot to know that I am leaving something of myself with him until the next time I will see him in person. It is a small physical reminder/expression of my love for him. Sometimes I also like to write a note (the night/morning before leaving) about how much I enjoyed the visit or what I'll remember of our time together. This allows me to reflect on the positive and take some of that joy with me on the way back.

Know that sometimes it's okay to fall apart - one visit, Greg and I barely held it together when I dropped him off to head back to St. Louis. We had a very nice visit but all I could focus on was watching him leave and feeling like we just did not have enough time together. As I drove away from the airport, I started crying (aka sob fest). I circled the airport once trying to calm down, seriously considered calling him and telling him not to go, drove for about 5 minutes then pulled over in a safe place and just let myself cry. When he texted me that he was through security, I called him and we talked through it. We both shared how we were feeling, talked about how good the visit was, and plans for the next visit. It did help but the rest of the day I still felt like I was in a funk. Those moments are bound to happen every once in a while on this journey - and that's totally okay - I'm pretty sure it just means I love him and I'm cool with that.

With Greg at Adam Puchta Winery in Hermann, MO - June 2012 - the day he proposed!

Why Distance Doesn't Matter

At the end of January, I relocated from St. Louis back to Pennsylvania to take a job working as the Coordinator of Religious Education at my home church, where both my grandparents and brother attend Mass every Sunday. Most friends and family were surprised when the announcement came out that I was moving because I'm in a serious dating relationship with Greg, and have been for almost 3 years. "Isn't that going to be difficult?"...."Is everything okay?"..."What's going to happen next?" People seemed pretty concerned - but we had to laugh.

Here's a little of the back story...

When Greg and I first started dating, it was difficult for me to be able to communicate with him. At one point, I even wrote letters to try to get what I was feeling out!  One thing that attracted me to Greg was his ability to say what he was feeling as he was feeling it, not holding back, and being completely honest about it. I have never had to guess how Greg is feeling about something because he always tells me!

Slowly, trust was built in our relationship with each other and talking about everything became easier for me. Most people who met me when I first started working in St. Louis witnessed a big change in me as I began dating Greg. He opened me up even when I didn't have the words. He has an uncanny ability to read me like a book and he won't take "nothing" for an answer! I also know that he wants what is best for me and for us as a couple, and that he is 110% in this.

We've had our ups and downs, like all couples, and some good hard core fights (just ask Greg's friend, Pat lol). I would not take those hard moments back for the world because I feel that we have learned so much about how to communicate with each other and the ways our words can effect the other person. It's saying what we mean in a way the other person can hear. Always a challenge - but worth the commitment. And plus, we can laugh at those moments now....

So, when the job was advertised at my home parish over 800 miles away and my grandparents called to tell me about it - Greg didn't hesitate to tell me how he felt about it - "You need to take this interview!" - confident about the amazing things that could come from it for me and also for our relationship. My immediate reaction was, "No. I do not need to do this, Think about how hard the distance is going to be."

We had many in-depth conversations about what would be challenging and the vast amount of blessings that could come from this move for me. I took the interview...unsure if I would actually get the job...but knowing that Greg and I could handle it if I was offered the job. After I returned to St. Louis after the interview, I had a gut feeling that I probably would get the job and I spent a lot of time praying and telling God that I didn't want this job offer but knew that I needed it and that in fact it would be a huge answer to prayer if I received an offer.

In December, I got the call and everything started to become a reality as I prepared to transition and move. Greg was immediately reassuring about our relationship, about how it would cause us to be even stronger as a couple, and how good this was for me personally. We were used to talking every day already by phone, communicating about everything, and sometimes not seeing each other except for once a week because of our jobs or other commitments. We could handle this. Especially with the plan of one day being able to be married to each other and living in the same place without the burden of financial debt!!

Many couples have to deal with distance at one time or another in the span of their relationship, whether in dating or in marriage, due to job responsibilities, financial burdens, or military moves. It happens quite a lot, so by no means did we have to try to re-invent the wheel on how to deal with the emotion or tension of being in two different places. We talked it through almost daily leading up to the moving day, and I wrote a list of all the positives and negatives of the move so that we could remind ourselves in the days to come that this was the best decision. One of the other things Greg made clear to me was that he was not saying goodbye. This was simply a see you later. That really helped me to stay positive about everything.

It's true that the hardest day for us was the day I started the long drive back to Pennsylvania. I will never forget that day. It was draining emotionally and a huge difficulty for both of us. It wasn't something that either one of us wanted to do but it's also true that it was a sign of the deep love that we have for each other. There was a moment when I broke down on the way back, but within two minutes, Greg had decided to call me and we were able to talk through the tough spot. Again by being positive - we can do this, this isn't that hard, and this move is a good thing for you and for us.

And that really is why distance doesn't matter. Yes, there are moments when we miss each other or when we wish we were in the same place. But there's something more important that underlies everything for both of us - the desire for what is truly best for the other, trust, and the commitment to love and sacrifice for the best, both for our relationship not just for now but for the future. And that makes me feel loved, incredibly blessed, and incredibly happy.

God-given Heart

Yesterday I happened downtown to attend the Celebration of the Lord's Supper (ie, Mass) at the Cathedral. Bishop Hermann met my friends and I afterwards at the door. He chatted with us about many things, but one thing really caught all of us. He was talking about Fr. Mike Scanlan and his decision to be president of Franciscan University back in the seventies. The dear Bishop reminded us that Fr. Mike was going to turn the offer down, but hit a turning point at a Charismatic conference.

One of the evangelical preachers was talking about his own calling. He wanted to go into the heart of Africa, but he was serving as the pastor of a church in the suburbs of America instead. During prayer, the Lord spoke to his heart and said, "I will not send you to Africa until I place Africa in your heart."

At hearing this, Fr. Mike knew in his heart, the Spirit moved, that he was called to go to Steubenville to be president of this college even though he didn't want to go. Over the years, God put Steubenville in his heart.

After the Bishop had shared this, I laughed out loud. It's exactly what has most recently happened to me. When I graduated from Franciscan University, my desire and calling was to go to China. I went there to serve for a month. It was beautiful, life-altering, and transforming. Such a gift from the Lord directly to my heart. I returned to the States and to a tough decision about where to go next. Even though my heart was still in China, I accepted a job to work at a parish in mid-west suburbia as a youth minister.

I struggled daily, wondering constantly: what was I doing in the mid-west suburbs when I dreamed of missions? After a year serving in the suburbs, I considered leaving and finding a place to volunteer for a year while I figured things out. I went so far as to interview at a volunteer position in Arizona. I wanted to go, but it felt terribly empty inside. I prayed that God would change my heart and let me see His will. I begged Him, thinking that if I prayed hard enough, He would open up something somewhere and let me leave.

I stopped at home briefly and talked to dear friends and family about my discernment - should I go or should I stay? I talked about the volunteer opportunities. One woman looked at me and said, "Wow. that's tough, but I have no doubt that whatever you choose you'll do fine. You have the heart of a lion..." It hit me like a brick. If I had the heart of a lion, why didn't I have a heart for the parish I had served for a year? Why did it seem like my ministry was such a struggle?

The pursuit for other work was coming up empty and I had no idea why or what to do. I left for a week to go to Arizona. Each night away from St. Louis, I found myself missing the city, the people, the parish, and the teens. I tried desperately to ignore the feeling, but it wouldn't go away. It wasn't until I was driving back from the airport to the parish in St. Louis that it hit me. I felt like I was coming home. At first I laughed out loud, then I just started crying. Tears streaming down my face. That night I couldn't stop smiling. It was powerful, overwhelming, and strikingly clear.

God had indeed changed my heart. Confirmation after confirmation. I knew it. Yet I was afraid, could I allow myself to fully embrace this mission? What would it look like? Could I handle it? Questions raced in, casting doubt, about my ability and my calling. After a few days of questioning God and those feelings of my heart, I finally listened to the Spirit's movement. All those doubts of my mind didn't matter nearly as much as the convicting clarity the Spirit had given to my heart. I knew where I belonged.

No matter where I am, I am called to love. That is God's will for me in Christ Jesus. And if I do have the heart of a lion...God has a lot of heart to teach how to love. Obviously, He's not through teaching me all I need to learn in St. Louis. When it's time to go, I have no doubt He'll change my heart. And if it takes a while to get through to me, then we will all know it's because lions have big hearts.

Making God Laugh

"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans..."

I tend to make God laugh. I'm a planner by nature. I like to dream big dreams, plan, plot, and pitch new projects. It's how I work. I like to have things figured out. Set to go. On the way somewhere. Anywhere. Fast (My cartoon version would be a big blue blur with a tan blurred head).

This weekend I had a moment of revelation when I spent time with some good friends of mine. These women are not technically family, but we might as well be related. We are like sisters. They are the people I feel the most comfortable with in the entire world. And I am blessed to have them in my life. So I was hanging out with these women this weekend because we were all going to a wedding of a mutual friend of ours.

Anyway, back to my moment...I had a moment when I was simply spending time with these women when I realized that I had been planning for something, plotting, organizing, and working hard because I had decided that I knew where I was going. That, finally, after months of confusion, I had a direction and gosh darnit I was going to do what I was going to do. Period. End of story.

Then about a week ago (after much solo planning), I started to listen to the movement of the Holy Spirit within my own heart. And what I thought I was going to do, I could no longer do. I was forced to stop everything and just let it go. Wow. What a feeling. All this planning, plotting, praying, agonizing over God's will....and in an instant (it seemed that way...) it all stopped with the breath of His Spirit moving in my heart.

A lot of times in my life, I've wondered about how the heck I'm supposed to know what God wants. People just say you're supposed to pray, read the Bible, and make decisions trusting that God will work. Or others preach about signs and wonders. They saw something, they heard something, they were given concrete, literal signs pointing them in the chosen direction. They make it all sound so simple. But really sometimes it's not. Sometimes it can be very complicated. At least I make it that way. Lol. God's all about the journey when often times I'm just rushing to a destination. Why?

Well, you know what, God is mysterious. Not like some wacky murder mystery for genius minds or a dark figure lurking around in the corner. He is mystery. He wants us to be in awe and wonder before Him. To be in mystery. To be in worship and surrender. Total surrender. For some of us (especially the stubborn Irish type), it takes a bigger push (or pull) in our lives to get us to that point.

In the last several months, God has brought me to the point of utter confusion. Utter confusion. Why? Because He wanted me to wander around aimlessly?? Nope (Even though he did it to the Israelites and I certainly deserved it...). Because He wanted to play a joke on me? Nada. Instead, He was inviting me into a place of complete surrender. But I fought it. I wanted to plan, remember? Instead of giving up and giving to Him, I tried to take control, think rationally, solve my own problems.

So I struggled through 5 generally miserable months of confusion, chaos, and struggle. I tried to pray and felt like every time I was getting nowhere. The reason why was that I was spending all my time telling God how to be God - how to solve my problems, make my life stress free, and how I was going to live for Him. (Ha. It's funny now...not so much then...). I was wasting time marketing my plan to the Almighty Creator. Then after all this product pitching with God, I surrendered and then He moved my heart.

Did you know He can do that? He is so powerful that His Spirit can come inside of your heart and move it, change it, and inspire it in the blink of an eye. It really is quite incredible. And because of that moment of the Spirit moving in my heart through very human emotion, I now know exactly where I am called and what I am supposed to be doing right now in my life. I know that I am called to be a youth minister and live as a single woman striving for holiness in every day life. Simple.

However, it is the first time in a year that I have known God's will for me. It really is incredible. A gift from God. And the funny thing is, I didn't plan it and I am sure it made God laugh.

One Year After Steubenville

A year ago, I was getting ready to graduate from Franciscan University with some of my best friends in the world, five amazing sisters in Christ, me, Mary Jo, Anna, Valerie, and Jen. The first Warriors to leave home base. Now we are all over the United States and the world. Scattered sheep. Yes, but each of us in ministry, serving God, on the front lines.

I'm here in St. Louis working as a youth minister. MJ is in Slovakia - missionary and English teacher. Anna is in the Bronx - lay missions and serving with the CFRs. That takes care of the founders of the Warriors of the Word. Then Val is in New Hampshire - youth minister and soon to be bride. Jen is near Boston - youth minister.

It was a year ago that we all graduated from Steubenville. Our hearts filled with the Word, going out to change the world, and be witnesses to Love. Our younger sisters cheering us on.

What will the next year hold? Where will His Word take us? We now stand back watching our younger sisters go out to take their place and be scattered wherever the Word takes them.

It's hard to say where we will all end up going. But we will always be Warriors at heart. Striving to follow the voice of His Word. The whisper of the Shepherd. It's the best life there is.