Why Distance Doesn't Matter: Part 2

Currently 8 months into our long distance relationship adventure, I wanted to write on some insights that have developed as Greg and I have traversed along. As of June, we are now happily engaged - and starting to dream and do some initial wedding planning (yay!) but this has made the distance seem to grow in size at times.

A vast amount of insight has come from the months apart - here are some nuggets -

We found our "limit" - I think every couple has an amount of time where they can somewhat comfortably be apart before feeling absolute frustration at the distance. For us, we discovered our breaking point between the end of February and May. By April, 3 months had gone by where we had not seen each other in person. We started turning into bf and gf nasty. Phone calls (and even FaceTime did not cut it) turned into silent moments or bitterness or pure frustration. We realized that it wasn't Greg (lol) or me - but just the simple fact that we had not been in each other's presence for over 3 months. When I came to St. Louis in May we agreed, let's not do that to each other again if we can avoid it!

Having a life and keeping busy really does help - this is so true!! Knowing the separation is temporary helps, but even knowing that, it's important to keep busy and live your life just like you would if you were in the same place. Greg and I have never been a couple attached at the hip (we are both very independent people...) but sometimes distance can make it feel like you are never going to live your lives together. It can get depressing very quickly. It helps if you can keep in mind...1) this is temporary and 2) I'm going to make the best out of enjoying the people and places that I am surrounded by right now. Living life in the here and now has helped ease my heart. I know God has provided me with family, friends, and merriment to keep my heart full of joy - and that's where my focus needs to be.

"Being apart really sucks sometimes and I freaking hate it!" I definitely have my moments (and moods) where I "freakin miss Greg" but again accepting that feeling this way is part of the long distance thing, it's normal, and putting my energy into something positive helps me get through those rough moments. I don't have one thing that I do every time I'm in a distance funk, but I do have a few stand-bys that have helped.

1. The first few months, I created a website just for Greg and I where I posted my thoughts or wrote things that I loved (*ahem* missed) about Greg. This was helpful for those moments when Greg was busy or working. It was a great way for me to focus on our relationship on my own, and put my energy into doing something creative and fun.
2. Another thing I have done is send Greg packages - this I don't do very often - but again it puts my energy and focus into doing something loving and fun for him. And I know he'll feel closer to me when he receives it....(right now I'm planning one that I'm really excited about...shhh...don't tell Greg!!!)
3. Be honest. If I'm feeling distant, it's important to tell Greg that rather than acting snotty and disgruntled on the phone. He can totally sympathize with me (duh) but I can forget this. Instead of keeping emotions bottled up, it is way better to be honest right up front at the start of the phone call.

My last tid-bit of insight has come from the times we are together and then have to say good-bye at the end of a visit. This is probably the hardest thing we have had to learn to deal with in our long distance relationship.

First of all, it's important to enjoy the visit and not focus on the good-bye/when you will be leaving because that can ruin being in the present moment and simply enjoying the other person's company. Greg and I act like we would normally act if we were still living in the same city during our visits and we purposely try not to talk about when the other person will be leaving or being apart. I believe this does help tremendously though it is tempting to bring up some times.

I also bring something that I can leave behind when I go - inexpensive small presents or notes that will remind him of me. It seems small but it helps me a lot to know that I am leaving something of myself with him until the next time I will see him in person. It is a small physical reminder/expression of my love for him. Sometimes I also like to write a note (the night/morning before leaving) about how much I enjoyed the visit or what I'll remember of our time together. This allows me to reflect on the positive and take some of that joy with me on the way back.

Know that sometimes it's okay to fall apart - one visit, Greg and I barely held it together when I dropped him off to head back to St. Louis. We had a very nice visit but all I could focus on was watching him leave and feeling like we just did not have enough time together. As I drove away from the airport, I started crying (aka sob fest). I circled the airport once trying to calm down, seriously considered calling him and telling him not to go, drove for about 5 minutes then pulled over in a safe place and just let myself cry. When he texted me that he was through security, I called him and we talked through it. We both shared how we were feeling, talked about how good the visit was, and plans for the next visit. It did help but the rest of the day I still felt like I was in a funk. Those moments are bound to happen every once in a while on this journey - and that's totally okay - I'm pretty sure it just means I love him and I'm cool with that.

With Greg at Adam Puchta Winery in Hermann, MO - June 2012 - the day he proposed!

Why Distance Doesn't Matter

At the end of January, I relocated from St. Louis back to Pennsylvania to take a job working as the Coordinator of Religious Education at my home church, where both my grandparents and brother attend Mass every Sunday. Most friends and family were surprised when the announcement came out that I was moving because I'm in a serious dating relationship with Greg, and have been for almost 3 years. "Isn't that going to be difficult?"...."Is everything okay?"..."What's going to happen next?" People seemed pretty concerned - but we had to laugh.

Here's a little of the back story...

When Greg and I first started dating, it was difficult for me to be able to communicate with him. At one point, I even wrote letters to try to get what I was feeling out!  One thing that attracted me to Greg was his ability to say what he was feeling as he was feeling it, not holding back, and being completely honest about it. I have never had to guess how Greg is feeling about something because he always tells me!

Slowly, trust was built in our relationship with each other and talking about everything became easier for me. Most people who met me when I first started working in St. Louis witnessed a big change in me as I began dating Greg. He opened me up even when I didn't have the words. He has an uncanny ability to read me like a book and he won't take "nothing" for an answer! I also know that he wants what is best for me and for us as a couple, and that he is 110% in this.

We've had our ups and downs, like all couples, and some good hard core fights (just ask Greg's friend, Pat lol). I would not take those hard moments back for the world because I feel that we have learned so much about how to communicate with each other and the ways our words can effect the other person. It's saying what we mean in a way the other person can hear. Always a challenge - but worth the commitment. And plus, we can laugh at those moments now....

So, when the job was advertised at my home parish over 800 miles away and my grandparents called to tell me about it - Greg didn't hesitate to tell me how he felt about it - "You need to take this interview!" - confident about the amazing things that could come from it for me and also for our relationship. My immediate reaction was, "No. I do not need to do this, Think about how hard the distance is going to be."

We had many in-depth conversations about what would be challenging and the vast amount of blessings that could come from this move for me. I took the interview...unsure if I would actually get the job...but knowing that Greg and I could handle it if I was offered the job. After I returned to St. Louis after the interview, I had a gut feeling that I probably would get the job and I spent a lot of time praying and telling God that I didn't want this job offer but knew that I needed it and that in fact it would be a huge answer to prayer if I received an offer.

In December, I got the call and everything started to become a reality as I prepared to transition and move. Greg was immediately reassuring about our relationship, about how it would cause us to be even stronger as a couple, and how good this was for me personally. We were used to talking every day already by phone, communicating about everything, and sometimes not seeing each other except for once a week because of our jobs or other commitments. We could handle this. Especially with the plan of one day being able to be married to each other and living in the same place without the burden of financial debt!!

Many couples have to deal with distance at one time or another in the span of their relationship, whether in dating or in marriage, due to job responsibilities, financial burdens, or military moves. It happens quite a lot, so by no means did we have to try to re-invent the wheel on how to deal with the emotion or tension of being in two different places. We talked it through almost daily leading up to the moving day, and I wrote a list of all the positives and negatives of the move so that we could remind ourselves in the days to come that this was the best decision. One of the other things Greg made clear to me was that he was not saying goodbye. This was simply a see you later. That really helped me to stay positive about everything.

It's true that the hardest day for us was the day I started the long drive back to Pennsylvania. I will never forget that day. It was draining emotionally and a huge difficulty for both of us. It wasn't something that either one of us wanted to do but it's also true that it was a sign of the deep love that we have for each other. There was a moment when I broke down on the way back, but within two minutes, Greg had decided to call me and we were able to talk through the tough spot. Again by being positive - we can do this, this isn't that hard, and this move is a good thing for you and for us.

And that really is why distance doesn't matter. Yes, there are moments when we miss each other or when we wish we were in the same place. But there's something more important that underlies everything for both of us - the desire for what is truly best for the other, trust, and the commitment to love and sacrifice for the best, both for our relationship not just for now but for the future. And that makes me feel loved, incredibly blessed, and incredibly happy.

A Fiery Mother's Day?

So today is a special day - it's a day to celebrate moms and grandmothers and the beautiful women in our lives who have served us so well throughout the years. It also happens to be Pentecost Sunday. I know. I know. You're saying, "My relationship with my mother is fiery enough!" Maybe that's true for you. I know at certain times in my life I could've said the same (especially when I was a teen!!).

But there's a beautiful reality that we can find in the cross fire between Mom's Day and Pentecost. If we rewind to the first Pentecost (Acts 2:1-11), the Holy Spirit came upon the Apostles and Mary gathered in the Upper Room in Jerusalem. That's right, Mary was there. The Mother of Jesus, the wife of Joseph, the Mother given to John and to all of us at the Cross (John 19:26-27). She was there at Pentecost to receive Her Spouse, the Holy Spirit, a second time. We can celebrate her as a spiritual mother given to us on this Mother's Day.

So what about the Pentecost part? Well, Pentecost was the outpouring of the Holy Spirit that changed the world. The Spirit came to give the Apostles to be witnesses for Christ in the world. The Spirit transformed them, stripped them of their weakness, pride, and fear, and gave them hope for the conversion of the world. What does the Spirit want to do with us? What does He want to transform? Where do we need His Hope?

Maybe the answer can touch on the core relationships of our life, including the relationship we have with our families, most especially our moms. No matter how old we are, our mothers deserve our honor, respect, affection, and love. And no matter who you are, you've probably had a few big arguments with mom in your life time. Some more than others. Even if you have the greatest mom in the world, and you've only ever fought about which china to use for Christmas dinner, the Holy Spirit has something more for your relationship, far beyond what you have in mind. He wants to do something beautiful, something transforming, something life giving in your relationships and in your family. So go ahead, spoil your mom today, pray for her, and pray for the Holy Spirit to come into your relationship!

I love when two calendars collide...:-)

Ministry and Living Mission

I've been thinking a lot about ministry and missions...a bagel and mocha with a YM friend really got me thinking.

Youth ministry in a parish is very different from being in a foreign mission field. I'm used to having a house full of Catholic young adults ready to go out and change the world - one outreach, one teen, at a time. All behind a common mission. Then also having fun and living life and friendship together. I miss it. I miss the community.

It's difficult to move to a new city and try to connect there without a "home base" of other young adults to support one another. I've had a very challenging year. It's been good. I've certainly learned a lot - abandonment, trust, God's faithfulness and providence have carried me through it for sure. But there's something special about having COMMUNITY - daily, life giving, diverse...

Acts 2:42, "They devoted themselves to the teaching of the apostles and to the communal life, to the breaking of the bread, and to the prayers..."

That's what I'm talking about. :-)