God-given Heart

Yesterday I happened downtown to attend the Celebration of the Lord's Supper (ie, Mass) at the Cathedral. Bishop Hermann met my friends and I afterwards at the door. He chatted with us about many things, but one thing really caught all of us. He was talking about Fr. Mike Scanlan and his decision to be president of Franciscan University back in the seventies. The dear Bishop reminded us that Fr. Mike was going to turn the offer down, but hit a turning point at a Charismatic conference.

One of the evangelical preachers was talking about his own calling. He wanted to go into the heart of Africa, but he was serving as the pastor of a church in the suburbs of America instead. During prayer, the Lord spoke to his heart and said, "I will not send you to Africa until I place Africa in your heart."

At hearing this, Fr. Mike knew in his heart, the Spirit moved, that he was called to go to Steubenville to be president of this college even though he didn't want to go. Over the years, God put Steubenville in his heart.

After the Bishop had shared this, I laughed out loud. It's exactly what has most recently happened to me. When I graduated from Franciscan University, my desire and calling was to go to China. I went there to serve for a month. It was beautiful, life-altering, and transforming. Such a gift from the Lord directly to my heart. I returned to the States and to a tough decision about where to go next. Even though my heart was still in China, I accepted a job to work at a parish in mid-west suburbia as a youth minister.

I struggled daily, wondering constantly: what was I doing in the mid-west suburbs when I dreamed of missions? After a year serving in the suburbs, I considered leaving and finding a place to volunteer for a year while I figured things out. I went so far as to interview at a volunteer position in Arizona. I wanted to go, but it felt terribly empty inside. I prayed that God would change my heart and let me see His will. I begged Him, thinking that if I prayed hard enough, He would open up something somewhere and let me leave.

I stopped at home briefly and talked to dear friends and family about my discernment - should I go or should I stay? I talked about the volunteer opportunities. One woman looked at me and said, "Wow. that's tough, but I have no doubt that whatever you choose you'll do fine. You have the heart of a lion..." It hit me like a brick. If I had the heart of a lion, why didn't I have a heart for the parish I had served for a year? Why did it seem like my ministry was such a struggle?

The pursuit for other work was coming up empty and I had no idea why or what to do. I left for a week to go to Arizona. Each night away from St. Louis, I found myself missing the city, the people, the parish, and the teens. I tried desperately to ignore the feeling, but it wouldn't go away. It wasn't until I was driving back from the airport to the parish in St. Louis that it hit me. I felt like I was coming home. At first I laughed out loud, then I just started crying. Tears streaming down my face. That night I couldn't stop smiling. It was powerful, overwhelming, and strikingly clear.

God had indeed changed my heart. Confirmation after confirmation. I knew it. Yet I was afraid, could I allow myself to fully embrace this mission? What would it look like? Could I handle it? Questions raced in, casting doubt, about my ability and my calling. After a few days of questioning God and those feelings of my heart, I finally listened to the Spirit's movement. All those doubts of my mind didn't matter nearly as much as the convicting clarity the Spirit had given to my heart. I knew where I belonged.

No matter where I am, I am called to love. That is God's will for me in Christ Jesus. And if I do have the heart of a lion...God has a lot of heart to teach how to love. Obviously, He's not through teaching me all I need to learn in St. Louis. When it's time to go, I have no doubt He'll change my heart. And if it takes a while to get through to me, then we will all know it's because lions have big hearts.