The Gift of Love

Today's first reading at Mass really caught my heart. I have not been to a daily Mass in some time and with our recent snow even my best intentions fell short. Today I found myself returning and finding that even when I get caught up in the chaos of life, God never changes.

Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm; For stern as death is love, relentless as the nether world is devotion; its flames are a blazing fire; Deep waters cannot quench love, nor flood waters sweep it away... - Song of Songs 8:6-7

I thought about God's relentless love, His relentless pursuit of the human race and of each human heart. I thought about the love of family, the love of close friends, and the love of a romance that nothing could quench. There is an overwhelming, relentless persistence in God's love, His transformation of our lives, and of His constant quiet leading of our hearts. It is stunning in its beauty. I am grateful for this gift of love and especially grateful for the people that God has placed in my life to reveal it to me.

Home for the Holidays

I went home for Christmas to visit my family and all of our family farm animals. My parents are really big on pets. I don't know what they would have done if my brother or I had been allergic to animals growing up (maybe a barn in our backyard for all the furballs?). Currently at my parent's home, there are 5 cute furry residents: a white loppy ear bunny (Tink), three cats (Mindy, Miranda, Max), and a full size collie (Duke)! It's certainly a house full! Here is how one of our furry family members welcomed me home on the first day of my Christmas visit.

All Things New

Happy Labor Day! The most famous and greatest labor of love happened when Jesus took the form of man and came to this earth. I've wanted to write this post for a LONG time from some notes I wrote one day in Adoration, but I kept losing the piece of paper along with the thoughts recorded on it....so today I've decided to recover them for you and since today is labor day, it seems fitting to write about the greatest work that was done to win our souls.

Our world is covered in all of it's darkness, shame, and confusion. Looking around it is easier to take note of the present situation of religious ignorance and indifference, of raging atheism, of the material neediness and poverty, the desperate brokenness in nations, in governments, in families, and in the very heart of every individual...where is the hope? Where is our Hope in the midst of overwhelming, smothering, all-out darkness?

The Word became flesh and dwelt among us - the Light of God entered into the dirtiness and darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Son of the Father, was born of a poor Virgin named Mary. In the Immaculate Conception of the Virgin of Nazareth, we heard the first echoes of hope. In her womb, he prepared a pathway for peace, "Behold, I make all things new...." He purified the body and soul of the New Ark of the Covenant, He made her holy, He conquered the darkness, and the Holy Spirit overshadowed the Blessed Virgin Mary.

In the Passion of the Christ, crucified, hanging from the Cross, "Behold, I make all things new..." In His glorious death, he descends to hell, proclaiming, "Behold, I make ALL things new..." as He captured the keys to death and the netherworld. As He met Mary of Magdala in the garden, she remembered how He had made her new. He revealed Himself to her again as He called her by name, "Mary!" and it echoed in her heart, "Behold, see, I make all things new!"

In the house at Emmaus, the disciples were struck with awe and trembling as they recognized their Savior and Lord in the breaking of the bread. They heard the Word of God resounding boldly, "Behold, I make all things new...."

To Thomas, who doubted, "See, Thomas, my hands - the nail marks here...and also, my side, do not hold back, I give myself, put your hand here...see, touch, behold, I make all things new."

Present in the Eucharist, Jesus stands before us, teaching us to hope, to believe, to love. He speaks boldly, "Behold, I make all things new." In the school of the Eucharist, in the Mass and in Adoration before the Blessed Sacrament, "Behold, I make all things new."

Suddenly, there is light piercing the darkness. There is hope drowning out despair. There is joy overwhelming the sadness. Jesus is Lord. He is still Lord. He will always be Lord.

Representing Jesus

I've been thinking lately about how awesome it is to be Catholic and go to a Church service where Jesus actually shows up in the midst of His people. Imagine if you started telling people that the guest speaker at your church was going to be Jesus. (I'm sure that would turn some heads...)

Catholics believe that during Mass, Jesus' sacrifice on the Cross is re-presented to the world in a non-bloody way. How cool is it that just by showing up on Sunday, the Holy Spirit can transport us to the hill of Calvary? We have the opportunity to not only witness, but to deeply participate in the ultimate sacrifice of God's limitless love.

In Biblical times to remember or recall an experience meant to make it present again in a new moment of time, bringing the past full speed up to the present. It was about participating, deeply and meditatively, in the big events that generations before had experienced. When we hear our Lord Jesus speak, "Do this in remembrance of me" at the Last Supper, it means a lot more than taking a picture out of our photo album and looking at it fondly as we remember Him. It means that He wants to come again into our lives, into our present moment, and to perform the same powerful act that He did 2,000+ years ago! He wants to come in and dine with us (cf. Rev. 3:20) - and in the prayers of the Mass, we invite Him in to eat with us. And He's so good, that He provides us with the food - His very Body and Blood, the eternal Bread of Life. He comes in to dine with us, and He offers us Himself.

Talk about a perfect, self-less, genuine gift - that's His Love. And we should want to receive it joyfully (okay, maybe not dancing down the aisle...but with dancing in our hearts...). And we should be so overcome by all of this that we want to go out to represent Jesus to others, to re-present the gift that has been given so generously to us.

I mean, seriously, there's so many things in this world we could stand for, that we could represent, to every person we meet. It could be very well that you represent that you are a baseball player, or a mom, or a student to the world. Or that you like tacos...or The Office...or a sports team (to remain anonymous...). But how often is it that we allow Jesus to be made present through us. He allows Himself to be represented in simple bread and wine in the Mass, yet somehow we convince ourselves that we are not holy enough to represent Jesus! It's a ridiculous lie! His desire is to be made present in us. The challenge isn't about being holy enough or not. The challenge is being humble enough to let Him make Himself present and let go of our pride for once.

So that's my prayer lately. Jesus, please make yourself present through me. Humble me so that you can be made present. Let me receive you so that I can re-present you to the world. If there's one person I want to represent to the world, it's my Savior and the Savior of the world. Look around you, we need Him to be made present.

God-given Heart

Yesterday I happened downtown to attend the Celebration of the Lord's Supper (ie, Mass) at the Cathedral. Bishop Hermann met my friends and I afterwards at the door. He chatted with us about many things, but one thing really caught all of us. He was talking about Fr. Mike Scanlan and his decision to be president of Franciscan University back in the seventies. The dear Bishop reminded us that Fr. Mike was going to turn the offer down, but hit a turning point at a Charismatic conference.

One of the evangelical preachers was talking about his own calling. He wanted to go into the heart of Africa, but he was serving as the pastor of a church in the suburbs of America instead. During prayer, the Lord spoke to his heart and said, "I will not send you to Africa until I place Africa in your heart."

At hearing this, Fr. Mike knew in his heart, the Spirit moved, that he was called to go to Steubenville to be president of this college even though he didn't want to go. Over the years, God put Steubenville in his heart.

After the Bishop had shared this, I laughed out loud. It's exactly what has most recently happened to me. When I graduated from Franciscan University, my desire and calling was to go to China. I went there to serve for a month. It was beautiful, life-altering, and transforming. Such a gift from the Lord directly to my heart. I returned to the States and to a tough decision about where to go next. Even though my heart was still in China, I accepted a job to work at a parish in mid-west suburbia as a youth minister.

I struggled daily, wondering constantly: what was I doing in the mid-west suburbs when I dreamed of missions? After a year serving in the suburbs, I considered leaving and finding a place to volunteer for a year while I figured things out. I went so far as to interview at a volunteer position in Arizona. I wanted to go, but it felt terribly empty inside. I prayed that God would change my heart and let me see His will. I begged Him, thinking that if I prayed hard enough, He would open up something somewhere and let me leave.

I stopped at home briefly and talked to dear friends and family about my discernment - should I go or should I stay? I talked about the volunteer opportunities. One woman looked at me and said, "Wow. that's tough, but I have no doubt that whatever you choose you'll do fine. You have the heart of a lion..." It hit me like a brick. If I had the heart of a lion, why didn't I have a heart for the parish I had served for a year? Why did it seem like my ministry was such a struggle?

The pursuit for other work was coming up empty and I had no idea why or what to do. I left for a week to go to Arizona. Each night away from St. Louis, I found myself missing the city, the people, the parish, and the teens. I tried desperately to ignore the feeling, but it wouldn't go away. It wasn't until I was driving back from the airport to the parish in St. Louis that it hit me. I felt like I was coming home. At first I laughed out loud, then I just started crying. Tears streaming down my face. That night I couldn't stop smiling. It was powerful, overwhelming, and strikingly clear.

God had indeed changed my heart. Confirmation after confirmation. I knew it. Yet I was afraid, could I allow myself to fully embrace this mission? What would it look like? Could I handle it? Questions raced in, casting doubt, about my ability and my calling. After a few days of questioning God and those feelings of my heart, I finally listened to the Spirit's movement. All those doubts of my mind didn't matter nearly as much as the convicting clarity the Spirit had given to my heart. I knew where I belonged.

No matter where I am, I am called to love. That is God's will for me in Christ Jesus. And if I do have the heart of a lion...God has a lot of heart to teach how to love. Obviously, He's not through teaching me all I need to learn in St. Louis. When it's time to go, I have no doubt He'll change my heart. And if it takes a while to get through to me, then we will all know it's because lions have big hearts.

Making God Laugh

"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans..."

I tend to make God laugh. I'm a planner by nature. I like to dream big dreams, plan, plot, and pitch new projects. It's how I work. I like to have things figured out. Set to go. On the way somewhere. Anywhere. Fast (My cartoon version would be a big blue blur with a tan blurred head).

This weekend I had a moment of revelation when I spent time with some good friends of mine. These women are not technically family, but we might as well be related. We are like sisters. They are the people I feel the most comfortable with in the entire world. And I am blessed to have them in my life. So I was hanging out with these women this weekend because we were all going to a wedding of a mutual friend of ours.

Anyway, back to my moment...I had a moment when I was simply spending time with these women when I realized that I had been planning for something, plotting, organizing, and working hard because I had decided that I knew where I was going. That, finally, after months of confusion, I had a direction and gosh darnit I was going to do what I was going to do. Period. End of story.

Then about a week ago (after much solo planning), I started to listen to the movement of the Holy Spirit within my own heart. And what I thought I was going to do, I could no longer do. I was forced to stop everything and just let it go. Wow. What a feeling. All this planning, plotting, praying, agonizing over God's will....and in an instant (it seemed that way...) it all stopped with the breath of His Spirit moving in my heart.

A lot of times in my life, I've wondered about how the heck I'm supposed to know what God wants. People just say you're supposed to pray, read the Bible, and make decisions trusting that God will work. Or others preach about signs and wonders. They saw something, they heard something, they were given concrete, literal signs pointing them in the chosen direction. They make it all sound so simple. But really sometimes it's not. Sometimes it can be very complicated. At least I make it that way. Lol. God's all about the journey when often times I'm just rushing to a destination. Why?

Well, you know what, God is mysterious. Not like some wacky murder mystery for genius minds or a dark figure lurking around in the corner. He is mystery. He wants us to be in awe and wonder before Him. To be in mystery. To be in worship and surrender. Total surrender. For some of us (especially the stubborn Irish type), it takes a bigger push (or pull) in our lives to get us to that point.

In the last several months, God has brought me to the point of utter confusion. Utter confusion. Why? Because He wanted me to wander around aimlessly?? Nope (Even though he did it to the Israelites and I certainly deserved it...). Because He wanted to play a joke on me? Nada. Instead, He was inviting me into a place of complete surrender. But I fought it. I wanted to plan, remember? Instead of giving up and giving to Him, I tried to take control, think rationally, solve my own problems.

So I struggled through 5 generally miserable months of confusion, chaos, and struggle. I tried to pray and felt like every time I was getting nowhere. The reason why was that I was spending all my time telling God how to be God - how to solve my problems, make my life stress free, and how I was going to live for Him. (Ha. It's funny now...not so much then...). I was wasting time marketing my plan to the Almighty Creator. Then after all this product pitching with God, I surrendered and then He moved my heart.

Did you know He can do that? He is so powerful that His Spirit can come inside of your heart and move it, change it, and inspire it in the blink of an eye. It really is quite incredible. And because of that moment of the Spirit moving in my heart through very human emotion, I now know exactly where I am called and what I am supposed to be doing right now in my life. I know that I am called to be a youth minister and live as a single woman striving for holiness in every day life. Simple.

However, it is the first time in a year that I have known God's will for me. It really is incredible. A gift from God. And the funny thing is, I didn't plan it and I am sure it made God laugh.

Dance Before the Lord

Over the past several years, I have been struggling to find a way to live in praise to God. I know it sounds like a simple concept, but praising God in your life can have many applications.

For instance, praising God when you are having a hard day and it starts raining just as you pull in your driveway to unload the groceries. That's one way to praise. Or praising God when it's sunny, your windows are rolled down, and you're singing to the radio. Or doing your work to the best of your ability and giving it all you've got even when you don't understand why your boss wants you to do something a certain way. When you do the dishes (and scrub pots…) to help out your mom. All of these situations help us to praise God with our lives. But there's something else I want to talk about here.

Praising God often times is connected with a little phrase in the Christian/Catholic sub-culture - "praise and worship" - P&W for short. Some stick to chant and hymns, others to 70's charismatic movement songs, others are of the David Crowder/Hillsong variety. No matter what your taste in tunes, almost everyone has an opinion about how one should praise and worship God. It's kind of a funny thing. Even within one denomination, there could be several varying opinions about how a true follower of Christ should praise and enough services to suit your palette for praise no matter what mood you are in.

So who’s to say how to praise? Is there a way to do it? Well, you’ll find the psalmists in all sorts of positions of praise (more than yoga…) and they were seeking God with everything, in all sorts of situations and circumstances of life, and the Psalms have always been held up by the Church. “Prayed and fulfilled in Christ, the Psalms are an essential and permanent element of the prayer of the Church. They are suitable for men of every condition and time…” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2597). So what do the Psalmists say about how to praise God?

I’m not going to go through a whole list of Hebrew words and what they mean, but I want to list what we see in the Psalmists praise. Take a look at this list:
- Standing (30:8), sitting (139:1; 149:5), laying down (4:5), arms raised (28:2; 63:5), hiding (31:2; 57:2), crying (6:9), laughing (16:11), shouting (18:4; 27:6), singing (9:3), and yes, even sleeping (3:6)….
In every moment, in whatever physical position your body is in, you have an opportunity to invite God in and praise Him.

This Sunday, I was at my home parish in York, PA attending Mass with my family. Right as the piano started the musical interlude for the Gloria, I noticed something swaying slightly side to side, a little piece of pink fabric. I looked around the person’s head in front of me, and that’s when I saw her. This adorable little girl dressed in pink little pants, and a pink shirt with a cute skirt built in. Her black curls pulled in a ponytail on top of her head.

I immediately flashed back to my own twirling days, dancing in my grandparents’ living room, and making family members wait for my “performance” until I had on an appropriate dancing skirt. I loved to dance for them.

Then I was quickly overcome by delight. There was something about seeing this little girl dance to the Gloria across the aisle, moving her hips to the beat, and tapping her toes, her little skirt swishing slightly around her. I couldn’t stop smiling. Her joyful dance before the Lord was contagious. I had to smile. I was delighted in the freedom she had to dance before the Lord and I couldn’t hold it in. I smiled the whole way through the Gloria.

What’s so funny about this seemingly small incident is that before Mass I had been contemplating praise and worship, especially people who speak about how one must be physically expressive in worship to show one’s true openness to God and about the Psalms. I hadn’t really come to any deep, meaningful conclusion, but it was on my mind when I spotted the girl dancing her little heart out at Mass.

Now if I had started dancing in the middle of Mass, people would have been horrified and rightfully concerned. However, this little girl dancing and twirling to the music brought those around her great delight and joy. There was something so fitting about her dancing. King David also made a dancing debut before the Lord (2 Samuel 6:14). What are we to think about that?

The conclusion that came to my mind was that the same delight I had over this little girl’s dancing is the delight that God the Father has for each one of us. He is smiling over us and delighting in our dancing. Not because we are twirling down the aisles at Church or because we are raising our hands to praise Him. He delights in our dance. The dance of our lives – our breathing, our work, our day to day activity, our friendships, our conversations – our very lives are our dance before the Lord.

Our lives are the praise which delights God. More than hands raised, He delights in hearts raised to Him in sorrow, joy, fear, trust, and in the daily grind of errands. The Lord delights when we dance and we will always delight Him. We can’t change the Lord’s delight in having made us, even when we turn from Him and run the opposite direction. However, because He delights in us so much, He longs for us to invite Him into our lives, into our thoughts and dreams, and into every part of our dance. Let the music play on and the twirling continue...