Have you ever felt your anger or stress level start to sky rocket as you approach a light and it goes from green to yellow to red? Anxiety seeps in. Thoughts race, "Oh my gosh now I'm going to be late, now I'm not going to get as much done, now I am wasting time!!!"
On average, an individual spends 6 months of their life waiting at red lights. It's on the top 10 list of most annoying time wasters. However, what if this moment at a red light is actually more than just an annoying, crappy, waste of time....what if it actually holds within it a secret (even deep, spiritual) purpose and meaning for my life?
I could speak about our need to stop and breathe in the world of busyness or our over committed schedules and culture, but there is something even deeper here that we all too often miss out on in the midst of our self centered schedules and days (gosh dangit, why doesn't time revolve around me and the light turn green when I pull up ?#@*&!).
I was driving to work this past week, and I was approaching a light. It felt like it turned red just to spite me. I felt the muscles in my face go from relaxed and joyful to tensed and angry. My radio was on as background noise and I was mechanically singing along to a song. About a minute into my red light wait, the words to the song I was singing hit me.
"I'm alive, I'm alive... because He lives. Amen, Amen. Let my song join the one that never ends (Matt Maher - Because He lives)."
And suddenly I was unstuck. I wasn't just waiting aimlessly at another stupid red light. I was praising from the depths of my little heart.
Here I was, after going through all 40 days (plus Sundays!!) of Lent, without listening to any other music or public radio, and listening only to religious music, Christian radio, the Rosary or sermons on CD. And it had been a struggle (I have serious radio ADD). Yet it took getting past Easter Sunday to realize that despite all of this Lenten (human...) effort, how much MORE could I be praising God?
If I spend 6 months of my life at red lights, how much of that time have I wasted away out of anger or frustration? How much more can I spend praising God for the fact that I am alive and that He has given me this gift of new life through His Resurrection? It gives time (even waiting, stopped, "wasted" time) value and worth beyond this world. This earthly existence of driving to work and stopping at red lights means so much more than the annoyance assigned to it by the world.
What about the "stop lights" of my life? When I am stuck waiting or a door closes (or slams in my face) - what will I choose to do with that time? Will I choose to waste it away....
Can I choose to live in praise rather than the frustration, doubt, fear, and shame that so often comes sometimes when I am anxiously awaiting the next thing in my life? It should remind me always to live in the grace of the present moment. I feel I have uncovered another treasure buried in St. Paul's exhortation to "Pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17)."
There is another famous phrase that goes, "When one door closes, another one opens, but it's the space in the hallway that can kill you." I am still learning to find the grace in those moments, the quiet praise of God that can come from the depths of my soul, when I simply praise God because I am alive (and waiting!!!) in the present moment.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Dark Desert Nights
I was recently listening to someone read the passage of Matthew (chapter 4, verses 1-11) where Jesus is tempted in the desert for 40 days and nights. At first my brain was kind of like, "yeah yeah....same story...Jesus tempted, desert, lent, sacrifice, fish on Fridays, yada, yada, yada..." But then my brain woke up, and was like, "Hello...40 days AND AND AND NIGHTS...." Dang. The word "Night..." just echoing in my mind. My heart sank.
Jesus in the desert, at night, being tempted by Satan himself. Let the reality of what that must have been like sink in....
I get nervous walking my dog outside at night in our backyard even anywhere that is remotely close to a small patch of woods. That's 20 feet from my house, with a 90 lbs. dog to protect me, with no one tempting me to sin. I have also fought my own dark battles with depression both in high school and with PTSD after college. Deep, dark, very scary battles.
And here is Jesus, my Savior, both God and still very much a man...alone in the darkness with Satan. He's not sleeping, he's not eating, it gets very cold on desert nights, and he is totally alone, and he's under constant torment from Satan. The account in Scripture gives us only a small glimpse into those 40 days. All I know is that when the angels came to minister to Him - what relief there must have been and solace in that comfort from above. Like a war torn soldier coming home and finally receiving that well earned rest away from the enemy and bloody battles.
God knows what it is like to fight hard battles. He knows what it is like to feel completely abandoned. He gets what it is like to be on the brink of giving up. Yet how often do I forget that reality both in my big battle moments (like with PTSD) and in my day to day struggles (fighting impatience, gossip, greed...). He knows. He really really knows.
Lean on his strength. Lean on his love. Lean on his presence.
Jesus in the desert, at night, being tempted by Satan himself. Let the reality of what that must have been like sink in....
I get nervous walking my dog outside at night in our backyard even anywhere that is remotely close to a small patch of woods. That's 20 feet from my house, with a 90 lbs. dog to protect me, with no one tempting me to sin. I have also fought my own dark battles with depression both in high school and with PTSD after college. Deep, dark, very scary battles.
And here is Jesus, my Savior, both God and still very much a man...alone in the darkness with Satan. He's not sleeping, he's not eating, it gets very cold on desert nights, and he is totally alone, and he's under constant torment from Satan. The account in Scripture gives us only a small glimpse into those 40 days. All I know is that when the angels came to minister to Him - what relief there must have been and solace in that comfort from above. Like a war torn soldier coming home and finally receiving that well earned rest away from the enemy and bloody battles.
God knows what it is like to fight hard battles. He knows what it is like to feel completely abandoned. He gets what it is like to be on the brink of giving up. Yet how often do I forget that reality both in my big battle moments (like with PTSD) and in my day to day struggles (fighting impatience, gossip, greed...). He knows. He really really knows.
Lean on his strength. Lean on his love. Lean on his presence.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Why Distance Doesn't Matter: Part 2
Currently 8 months into our long distance relationship adventure, I wanted to write on some insights that have developed as Greg and I have traversed along. As of June, we are now happily engaged - and starting to dream and do some initial wedding planning (yay!) but this has made the distance seem to grow in size at times.
A vast amount of insight has come from the months apart - here are some nuggets -
We found our "limit" - I think every couple has an amount of time where they can somewhat comfortably be apart before feeling absolute frustration at the distance. For us, we discovered our breaking point between the end of February and May. By April, 3 months had gone by where we had not seen each other in person. We started turning into bf and gf nasty. Phone calls (and even FaceTime did not cut it) turned into silent moments or bitterness or pure frustration. We realized that it wasn't Greg (lol) or me - but just the simple fact that we had not been in each other's presence for over 3 months. When I came to St. Louis in May we agreed, let's not do that to each other again if we can avoid it!
Having a life and keeping busy really does help - this is so true!! Knowing the separation is temporary helps, but even knowing that, it's important to keep busy and live your life just like you would if you were in the same place. Greg and I have never been a couple attached at the hip (we are both very independent people...) but sometimes distance can make it feel like you are never going to live your lives together. It can get depressing very quickly. It helps if you can keep in mind...1) this is temporary and 2) I'm going to make the best out of enjoying the people and places that I am surrounded by right now. Living life in the here and now has helped ease my heart. I know God has provided me with family, friends, and merriment to keep my heart full of joy - and that's where my focus needs to be.
"Being apart really sucks sometimes and I freaking hate it!" I definitely have my moments (and moods) where I "freakin miss Greg" but again accepting that feeling this way is part of the long distance thing, it's normal, and putting my energy into something positive helps me get through those rough moments. I don't have one thing that I do every time I'm in a distance funk, but I do have a few stand-bys that have helped.
First of all, it's important to enjoy the visit and not focus on the good-bye/when you will be leaving because that can ruin being in the present moment and simply enjoying the other person's company. Greg and I act like we would normally act if we were still living in the same city during our visits and we purposely try not to talk about when the other person will be leaving or being apart. I believe this does help tremendously though it is tempting to bring up some times.
I also bring something that I can leave behind when I go - inexpensive small presents or notes that will remind him of me. It seems small but it helps me a lot to know that I am leaving something of myself with him until the next time I will see him in person. It is a small physical reminder/expression of my love for him. Sometimes I also like to write a note (the night/morning before leaving) about how much I enjoyed the visit or what I'll remember of our time together. This allows me to reflect on the positive and take some of that joy with me on the way back.
Know that sometimes it's okay to fall apart - one visit, Greg and I barely held it together when I dropped him off to head back to St. Louis. We had a very nice visit but all I could focus on was watching him leave and feeling like we just did not have enough time together. As I drove away from the airport, I started crying (aka sob fest). I circled the airport once trying to calm down, seriously considered calling him and telling him not to go, drove for about 5 minutes then pulled over in a safe place and just let myself cry. When he texted me that he was through security, I called him and we talked through it. We both shared how we were feeling, talked about how good the visit was, and plans for the next visit. It did help but the rest of the day I still felt like I was in a funk. Those moments are bound to happen every once in a while on this journey - and that's totally okay - I'm pretty sure it just means I love him and I'm cool with that.
A vast amount of insight has come from the months apart - here are some nuggets -
We found our "limit" - I think every couple has an amount of time where they can somewhat comfortably be apart before feeling absolute frustration at the distance. For us, we discovered our breaking point between the end of February and May. By April, 3 months had gone by where we had not seen each other in person. We started turning into bf and gf nasty. Phone calls (and even FaceTime did not cut it) turned into silent moments or bitterness or pure frustration. We realized that it wasn't Greg (lol) or me - but just the simple fact that we had not been in each other's presence for over 3 months. When I came to St. Louis in May we agreed, let's not do that to each other again if we can avoid it!
Having a life and keeping busy really does help - this is so true!! Knowing the separation is temporary helps, but even knowing that, it's important to keep busy and live your life just like you would if you were in the same place. Greg and I have never been a couple attached at the hip (we are both very independent people...) but sometimes distance can make it feel like you are never going to live your lives together. It can get depressing very quickly. It helps if you can keep in mind...1) this is temporary and 2) I'm going to make the best out of enjoying the people and places that I am surrounded by right now. Living life in the here and now has helped ease my heart. I know God has provided me with family, friends, and merriment to keep my heart full of joy - and that's where my focus needs to be.
"Being apart really sucks sometimes and I freaking hate it!" I definitely have my moments (and moods) where I "freakin miss Greg" but again accepting that feeling this way is part of the long distance thing, it's normal, and putting my energy into something positive helps me get through those rough moments. I don't have one thing that I do every time I'm in a distance funk, but I do have a few stand-bys that have helped.
- The first few months, I created a website just for Greg and I where I posted my thoughts or wrote things that I loved (*ahem* missed) about Greg. This was helpful for those moments when Greg was busy or working. It was a great way for me to focus on our relationship on my own, and put my energy into doing something creative and fun.
- Another thing I have done is send Greg packages - this I don't do very often - but again it puts my energy and focus into doing something loving and fun for him. And I know he'll feel closer to me when he receives it....(right now I'm planning one that I'm really excited about...shhh...don't tell Greg!!!)
- Be honest. If I'm feeling distant, it's important to tell Greg that rather than acting snotty and disgruntled on the phone. He can totally sympathize with me (duh) but I can forget this. Instead of keeping emotions bottled up, it is way better to be honest right up front at the start of the phone call.
First of all, it's important to enjoy the visit and not focus on the good-bye/when you will be leaving because that can ruin being in the present moment and simply enjoying the other person's company. Greg and I act like we would normally act if we were still living in the same city during our visits and we purposely try not to talk about when the other person will be leaving or being apart. I believe this does help tremendously though it is tempting to bring up some times.
I also bring something that I can leave behind when I go - inexpensive small presents or notes that will remind him of me. It seems small but it helps me a lot to know that I am leaving something of myself with him until the next time I will see him in person. It is a small physical reminder/expression of my love for him. Sometimes I also like to write a note (the night/morning before leaving) about how much I enjoyed the visit or what I'll remember of our time together. This allows me to reflect on the positive and take some of that joy with me on the way back.
Know that sometimes it's okay to fall apart - one visit, Greg and I barely held it together when I dropped him off to head back to St. Louis. We had a very nice visit but all I could focus on was watching him leave and feeling like we just did not have enough time together. As I drove away from the airport, I started crying (aka sob fest). I circled the airport once trying to calm down, seriously considered calling him and telling him not to go, drove for about 5 minutes then pulled over in a safe place and just let myself cry. When he texted me that he was through security, I called him and we talked through it. We both shared how we were feeling, talked about how good the visit was, and plans for the next visit. It did help but the rest of the day I still felt like I was in a funk. Those moments are bound to happen every once in a while on this journey - and that's totally okay - I'm pretty sure it just means I love him and I'm cool with that.
With Greg at Adam Puchta Winery in Hermann, MO - June 2012 - the day he proposed!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Can We Do That Again?
Last week, I had a long and exhausting week of church events - from rehearsals to First Communions to the closing of the Religious Education year. After my final event, the Closing Mass for our Religious Education program, I was standing in the foyer of church, greeting and talking with people as they left. Two of the children in our program came up to me excitedly, all-smiles, "Can we do that again??" They had brought up the gifts of bread and wine at the offertory during Mass. I had never seen anyone THAT excited about serving during church. These kids were literally jumping out of their skin. The girl said, "I was so nervous but as soon as we were up there with the priests and just those people right there, everyone else faded away. It was just us and it was so cool." I will never forget those smiles or their overwhelming excitement. You would have thought they just went on the best ride at Disney.
It never ceases to amaze me that it is the small things that bring the greatest joy. I am thankful that the Lord had put it on my heart to ask the family I did to bring up the gifts during Mass - and that I could be a catalyst for the opportunity of joy that Jesus wanted to give to His children. God also spoke to my heart through this simple joyful moment.
There is something about offering our gifts and our lives to God. He does not really need our gifts but He allows us to enter into His abundant joy when we offer our gifts to Him. It's not so much about fame or fortune, but about simply offering our gifts to the Lord. The blessing we receive in return is a heart full of joy.
"You will show me the path to life. In Your presence is fullness of joy. At your right hand there are pleasures forever," Psalm 16:11
"The joy of the Lord is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10
It never ceases to amaze me that it is the small things that bring the greatest joy. I am thankful that the Lord had put it on my heart to ask the family I did to bring up the gifts during Mass - and that I could be a catalyst for the opportunity of joy that Jesus wanted to give to His children. God also spoke to my heart through this simple joyful moment.
There is something about offering our gifts and our lives to God. He does not really need our gifts but He allows us to enter into His abundant joy when we offer our gifts to Him. It's not so much about fame or fortune, but about simply offering our gifts to the Lord. The blessing we receive in return is a heart full of joy.
"You will show me the path to life. In Your presence is fullness of joy. At your right hand there are pleasures forever," Psalm 16:11
"The joy of the Lord is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I Confess.
Without a doubt, one of the most challenging aspects of my life as a Catholic Christian is the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It can be at the same time both transforming and terrifying. With the move, a new job, and just having transition in my life, I was finding that I did not have a lot of time for my own personal spiritual life. I felt an ache in my heart to go back to Reconciliation but whenever I thought I would finally have the chance to get to a Reconciliation time at a parish, something inevitably would come up.
Which I confess, I didn't really mind. I didn't really want to go confess my sins (who actually enjoys that....unless you are already a saint....) but I knew that the Lord was drawing my heart to encounter with Him in this Sacrament. He wanted to bring healing to my mind and my heart...how could I keep saying no to that? I had been avoiding this Sacrament...mainly because I had been losing faith and confidence in myself; and in God working in me and in my life; all lies.
So I prayed for courage, strength, and the time in my schedule to make it to a parish somewhere to enter into a new stage in my relationship with Jesus and to experience the deep healing of his forgiveness....
I truly believe God put the details together for me. Working for a church, you kind of want to keep the balance and boundary in your life of not going to any of the priests you work with for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I was praying that God would show me where to go to receive this Sacrament. For some reason, St. Leo kept popping into my head...I couldn't even remember where the church was or how far away it was...I wasn't even sure that I had ever been there. I google mapped it and planned to go the next day on Saturday afternoon. It was the only parish that happened to have confessions at a time that I could go and still get to Mass back at St. Joe's on Saturday evening. Everything fell into place.
The whole way there my stomach was in knots....my nerves felt like they were eating me alive. But still I felt the strong presence of the Holy Spirit drawing my heart and the soft hand of God guiding me. I knew there was some reason I was going and something that He wanted to speak to my heart.
When I pulled into the parking lot, it was cold and dreary, like a ghost town....there were barely any cars and no other people around. I could feel my heart start to beat faster. I took a deep breath and walked to the church. The church was empty and all the lights were out. I thought for a moment that I was in the wrong place....luckily someone else walked in who had never been there before either. It was like God was showing me through this person that I could do this and that He was leading me. My new friend and I wandered around the foyer for a moment before finding out that the confessions took place in a chapel located at the front of the church.
The chapel was immediately calming - beautiful, lightly lit, with a crucifix above the altar that immediately drew my heart. I felt Jesus say to me - I've been waiting for you. I knelt down to pray for a moment and then got into the line that had begun to form. I was restless in line - extremely anxious....I kept reminding myself that Jesus already took everything on the Cross and also that He would give me the strength (I can do all things through Him who gives me strength....). I prayed a rosary....and felt that He was already renewing my faith. All that I know is that I am a sinner and He is the Savior.
I watched as other people came out of confession...they unknowingly strengthened my resolve to confess everything to Jesus. It takes great courage to make a good confession...especially if you have been fighting and struggling in your heart. I felt a surge of inner confidence as I approached....the light from inside the confessional piercing the darkness of the chapel (and of my heart....). I knew it was the moment to let go.
What came next was one of the most if not the most powerful experience of Reconciliation with Jesus that I have ever had in my life....and I can say that I am so glad that I face the anxiety and the struggle that it some times takes to get myself to that Sacrament. I know that I met with Jesus that day. I felt like I was sitting down with Him face-to-face, and He was pouring out all His love on my sins. The words of the priest that day. Wow. I know without a doubt that the Holy Spirit was speaking through him in a powerful way for me. I want to share a couple of things the priest said to me that I had never heard before - and that I feel are extremely powerful for facing sin in our lives and remembering that Jesus wants to bring us healing.
Which I confess, I didn't really mind. I didn't really want to go confess my sins (who actually enjoys that....unless you are already a saint....) but I knew that the Lord was drawing my heart to encounter with Him in this Sacrament. He wanted to bring healing to my mind and my heart...how could I keep saying no to that? I had been avoiding this Sacrament...mainly because I had been losing faith and confidence in myself; and in God working in me and in my life; all lies.
So I prayed for courage, strength, and the time in my schedule to make it to a parish somewhere to enter into a new stage in my relationship with Jesus and to experience the deep healing of his forgiveness....
I truly believe God put the details together for me. Working for a church, you kind of want to keep the balance and boundary in your life of not going to any of the priests you work with for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I was praying that God would show me where to go to receive this Sacrament. For some reason, St. Leo kept popping into my head...I couldn't even remember where the church was or how far away it was...I wasn't even sure that I had ever been there. I google mapped it and planned to go the next day on Saturday afternoon. It was the only parish that happened to have confessions at a time that I could go and still get to Mass back at St. Joe's on Saturday evening. Everything fell into place.
The whole way there my stomach was in knots....my nerves felt like they were eating me alive. But still I felt the strong presence of the Holy Spirit drawing my heart and the soft hand of God guiding me. I knew there was some reason I was going and something that He wanted to speak to my heart.
When I pulled into the parking lot, it was cold and dreary, like a ghost town....there were barely any cars and no other people around. I could feel my heart start to beat faster. I took a deep breath and walked to the church. The church was empty and all the lights were out. I thought for a moment that I was in the wrong place....luckily someone else walked in who had never been there before either. It was like God was showing me through this person that I could do this and that He was leading me. My new friend and I wandered around the foyer for a moment before finding out that the confessions took place in a chapel located at the front of the church.
The chapel was immediately calming - beautiful, lightly lit, with a crucifix above the altar that immediately drew my heart. I felt Jesus say to me - I've been waiting for you. I knelt down to pray for a moment and then got into the line that had begun to form. I was restless in line - extremely anxious....I kept reminding myself that Jesus already took everything on the Cross and also that He would give me the strength (I can do all things through Him who gives me strength....). I prayed a rosary....and felt that He was already renewing my faith. All that I know is that I am a sinner and He is the Savior.
I watched as other people came out of confession...they unknowingly strengthened my resolve to confess everything to Jesus. It takes great courage to make a good confession...especially if you have been fighting and struggling in your heart. I felt a surge of inner confidence as I approached....the light from inside the confessional piercing the darkness of the chapel (and of my heart....). I knew it was the moment to let go.
What came next was one of the most if not the most powerful experience of Reconciliation with Jesus that I have ever had in my life....and I can say that I am so glad that I face the anxiety and the struggle that it some times takes to get myself to that Sacrament. I know that I met with Jesus that day. I felt like I was sitting down with Him face-to-face, and He was pouring out all His love on my sins. The words of the priest that day. Wow. I know without a doubt that the Holy Spirit was speaking through him in a powerful way for me. I want to share a couple of things the priest said to me that I had never heard before - and that I feel are extremely powerful for facing sin in our lives and remembering that Jesus wants to bring us healing.
- Satan will try to attack your thoughts from the moment that you get up in the morning - anything that is negative is from him. Ignore him.
- He will try to get you to do one of two things:
- Get you to sin. This has two outcomes - You don't sin and you resist him, then Jesus wins. Or you do sin and Jesus takes it on, then Jesus wins. Either way Jesus wins over sin. (In a dark alley when you fear sin or are scared after you sin - Jesus is like a martial arts black belt protecting you...call out to Him always).
- Make you despair. Negative thoughts - you're no good, you're a terrible person, you're not worthy of God's love. This is not from God. You can't think this way - it's not good for the body of Christ and the people that God wants you to serve. We are all in need of mercy and Jesus pours it out freely so in all things you can know Jesus has already and will always defeat Satan.
- Sacraments are free. So if Jesus is calling you to receive the Sacraments then go receive them!!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Why Distance Doesn't Matter
At the end of January, I relocated from St. Louis back to Pennsylvania to take a job working as the Coordinator of Religious Education at my home church, where both my grandparents and brother attend Mass every Sunday. Most friends and family were surprised when the announcement came out that I was moving because I'm in a serious dating relationship with Greg, and have been for almost 3 years. "Isn't that going to be difficult?"...."Is everything okay?"..."What's going to happen next?" People seemed pretty concerned - but we had to laugh.
Here's a little of the back story...
When Greg and I first started dating, it was difficult for me to be able to communicate with him. At one point, I even wrote letters to try to get what I was feeling out! One thing that attracted me to Greg was his ability to say what he was feeling as he was feeling it, not holding back, and being completely honest about it. I have never had to guess how Greg is feeling about something because he always tells me!
Slowly, trust was built in our relationship with each other and talking about everything became easier for me. Most people who met me when I first started working in St. Louis witnessed a big change in me as I began dating Greg. He opened me up even when I didn't have the words. He has an uncanny ability to read me like a book and he won't take "nothing" for an answer! I also know that he wants what is best for me and for us as a couple, and that he is 110% in this.
We've had our ups and downs, like all couples, and some good hard core fights (just ask Greg's friend, Pat lol). I would not take those hard moments back for the world because I feel that we have learned so much about how to communicate with each other and the ways our words can effect the other person. It's saying what we mean in a way the other person can hear. Always a challenge - but worth the commitment. And plus, we can laugh at those moments now....
So, when the job was advertised at my home parish over 800 miles away and my grandparents called to tell me about it - Greg didn't hesitate to tell me how he felt about it - "You need to take this interview!" - confident about the amazing things that could come from it for me and also for our relationship. My immediate reaction was, "No. I do not need to do this, Think about how hard the distance is going to be."
We had many in-depth conversations about what would be challenging and the vast amount of blessings that could come from this move for me. I took the interview...unsure if I would actually get the job...but knowing that Greg and I could handle it if I was offered the job. After I returned to St. Louis after the interview, I had a gut feeling that I probably would get the job and I spent a lot of time praying and telling God that I didn't want this job offer but knew that I needed it and that in fact it would be a huge answer to prayer if I received an offer.
In December, I got the call and everything started to become a reality as I prepared to transition and move. Greg was immediately reassuring about our relationship, about how it would cause us to be even stronger as a couple, and how good this was for me personally. We were used to talking every day already by phone, communicating about everything, and sometimes not seeing each other except for once a week because of our jobs or other commitments. We could handle this. Especially with the plan of one day being able to be married to each other and living in the same place without the burden of financial debt!!
Many couples have to deal with distance at one time or another in the span of their relationship, whether in dating or in marriage, due to job responsibilities, financial burdens, or military moves. It happens quite a lot, so by no means did we have to try to re-invent the wheel on how to deal with the emotion or tension of being in two different places. We talked it through almost daily leading up to the moving day, and I wrote a list of all the positives and negatives of the move so that we could remind ourselves in the days to come that this was the best decision. One of the other things Greg made clear to me was that he was not saying goodbye. This was simply a see you later. That really helped me to stay positive about everything.
It's true that the hardest day for us was the day I started the long drive back to Pennsylvania. I will never forget that day. It was draining emotionally and a huge difficulty for both of us. It wasn't something that either one of us wanted to do but it's also true that it was a sign of the deep love that we have for each other. There was a moment when I broke down on the way back, but within two minutes, Greg had decided to call me and we were able to talk through the tough spot. Again by being positive - we can do this, this isn't that hard, and this move is a good thing for you and for us.
And that really is why distance doesn't matter. Yes, there are moments when we miss each other or when we wish we were in the same place. But there's something more important that underlies everything for both of us - the desire for what is truly best for the other, trust, and the commitment to love and sacrifice for the best, both for our relationship not just for now but for the future. And that makes me feel loved, incredibly blessed, and incredibly happy.
Here's a little of the back story...
When Greg and I first started dating, it was difficult for me to be able to communicate with him. At one point, I even wrote letters to try to get what I was feeling out! One thing that attracted me to Greg was his ability to say what he was feeling as he was feeling it, not holding back, and being completely honest about it. I have never had to guess how Greg is feeling about something because he always tells me! Slowly, trust was built in our relationship with each other and talking about everything became easier for me. Most people who met me when I first started working in St. Louis witnessed a big change in me as I began dating Greg. He opened me up even when I didn't have the words. He has an uncanny ability to read me like a book and he won't take "nothing" for an answer! I also know that he wants what is best for me and for us as a couple, and that he is 110% in this.
We've had our ups and downs, like all couples, and some good hard core fights (just ask Greg's friend, Pat lol). I would not take those hard moments back for the world because I feel that we have learned so much about how to communicate with each other and the ways our words can effect the other person. It's saying what we mean in a way the other person can hear. Always a challenge - but worth the commitment. And plus, we can laugh at those moments now....
So, when the job was advertised at my home parish over 800 miles away and my grandparents called to tell me about it - Greg didn't hesitate to tell me how he felt about it - "You need to take this interview!" - confident about the amazing things that could come from it for me and also for our relationship. My immediate reaction was, "No. I do not need to do this, Think about how hard the distance is going to be."
We had many in-depth conversations about what would be challenging and the vast amount of blessings that could come from this move for me. I took the interview...unsure if I would actually get the job...but knowing that Greg and I could handle it if I was offered the job. After I returned to St. Louis after the interview, I had a gut feeling that I probably would get the job and I spent a lot of time praying and telling God that I didn't want this job offer but knew that I needed it and that in fact it would be a huge answer to prayer if I received an offer.
In December, I got the call and everything started to become a reality as I prepared to transition and move. Greg was immediately reassuring about our relationship, about how it would cause us to be even stronger as a couple, and how good this was for me personally. We were used to talking every day already by phone, communicating about everything, and sometimes not seeing each other except for once a week because of our jobs or other commitments. We could handle this. Especially with the plan of one day being able to be married to each other and living in the same place without the burden of financial debt!!
Many couples have to deal with distance at one time or another in the span of their relationship, whether in dating or in marriage, due to job responsibilities, financial burdens, or military moves. It happens quite a lot, so by no means did we have to try to re-invent the wheel on how to deal with the emotion or tension of being in two different places. We talked it through almost daily leading up to the moving day, and I wrote a list of all the positives and negatives of the move so that we could remind ourselves in the days to come that this was the best decision. One of the other things Greg made clear to me was that he was not saying goodbye. This was simply a see you later. That really helped me to stay positive about everything.
It's true that the hardest day for us was the day I started the long drive back to Pennsylvania. I will never forget that day. It was draining emotionally and a huge difficulty for both of us. It wasn't something that either one of us wanted to do but it's also true that it was a sign of the deep love that we have for each other. There was a moment when I broke down on the way back, but within two minutes, Greg had decided to call me and we were able to talk through the tough spot. Again by being positive - we can do this, this isn't that hard, and this move is a good thing for you and for us. And that really is why distance doesn't matter. Yes, there are moments when we miss each other or when we wish we were in the same place. But there's something more important that underlies everything for both of us - the desire for what is truly best for the other, trust, and the commitment to love and sacrifice for the best, both for our relationship not just for now but for the future. And that makes me feel loved, incredibly blessed, and incredibly happy.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Do you want the Cross? Meditating on Jesus' Passion
My heart was not in Lent this year. I grudgingly went to the Ash Wednesday service. Inside I was feeling farther from God than close to Him. The only thing in prayer that I felt called to offer up for Lent was donuts...talk about feeling like a spiritual weakling! I dreaded answering the fated question, "So, Erica, what are you giving up for Lent?" I listened to my friend's grand plans to give up alcohol or Facebook or television AND movies for Lent....and I had donuts on my list. I felt tired, weary, and it was day 1 of 40.
Something changed. It may seem like a simple revelation, but it was the way it hit my heart. I was suffering restlessly through a Thursday in Adoration at St. Joseph Church with the youth catechism (YouCat), half-reading/half-skimming/(half-nodding off) through a section about Jesus (woah...), just trying to get through my prayer time, when I happened to catch the question,
"Was Jesus really dead? Maybe he was able to rise again because he only appeared to have suffered death." and the answer, "Jesus really died on the Cross; his body was buried. All the sources testify to this" (YouCat paragraph 103).
I re-read that statement probably 10 times in a row. I felt baffled by it. My heart sunk - I thought about the fact that Roman soldiers had made the determination that Jesus was dead. The finality of death applied to Jesus, the Son of God, Jesus, all powerful healer, Lord of Lords, King of Kings... hit me like a ton of bricks. Death. It seems so final...so unfitting...so unreal. I knew God was trying to speak something to my heart....but what?
After that "Jesus really died" moment in Adoration, God started to give me ample opportunities to pray the Stations of the Cross, the traditional 14 step journey with Jesus to his death and burial in the tomb. All different versions and meditations of it (God knows I get bored easily...), first it was Stations that my friends invited me to come to based on the Scripture verses surrounding Jesus' Passion and Death, then it was the Religious Ed Stations with the kids in the program I coordinate, and finally a candlelit meditation where my brother happened to be running sound.
Slowly the power of Jesus' free choice to save us started to sink in to my mind. During the last set of Stations, as I finally closed my eyes and settled into prayer, the haunting image of Jesus' face with the crown of thorns surrounding his head came into my mind. There was no hate there, only love. "Jesus was going to die" the phrase still resounding in my heart from Adoration. He knew that he was going to die, and he was choosing to die. I sat with that image for days afterwards. And even though the image of His suffering was in my mind, I still felt so far from Him. Like a stranger observing an historical event that happened far too long ago...and not a disciple, let alone a close friend...
A couple of weeks later, I found myself at Adoration again. This time I came expecting, listening, and ready for Jesus to say something to me. I opened a prayer book to see that the reflection for that day was on "Meditating on the Passion"....I will simply write here part of the meditation I read that struck me,
"We do well then to contemplate Our Lord's Passion....sometimes we imagine ourselves to be there, present amongst those who witnessed those moments....We put ourselves among the onlookers and see the disfigured yet noble face of Jesus. Astonishingly, we feel his infinite patience. With the help of grace, moreover, we can also try to contemplate the Passion of Christ as He himself lived it. It seems impossible, and of course it will always be a very impoverished view...but it can become for us an extraordinarily rich source of prayer..." (In Conversation with God, page 231-232).
My immediate reaction to was to rebel against this idea. Who wants to walk with Jesus on the Way of the Cross? It's a terrible, ugly, a brutal thing to witness....and now you are saying that you want me to imagine that I am one with Jesus in His suffering, in His Passion? St. Leo the Great tells us, "Whoever truly wishes to venerate the Passion of the Lord should contemplate Jesus crucified with the eyes of his soul, and in such a way that he identifies his own body with that of Jesus." Really Lord? What good could that possibly do for us now? This happened so long ago. As if the author could read my mind, the next section of the reflection was entitled, "The fruits of such meditation." So this is a good thing God?
The gravity and finality of Christ's Passion and Death should weigh on my mind and heart. Not just in moments when I am praying but in moments when I am faced with sin, with struggle, and with my own suffering. Both when it is a cross that I want to take on (like facing Confession when it is extremely difficult or offering up donuts for Lent) AND when it is a cross that I do not want (like taxes or illness or loneliness or pain). Jesus suffered as much as it is possible for a man to suffer, He truly died, and He truly was raised. This is what we enter into during Holy Week and at every Mass where we enter into His Passion, Death, and Resurrection. The joy of the Resurrection is found through this Way of the Cross (not around it) - may we all have the courage to enter in - both in prayer and in our lives.
Something changed. It may seem like a simple revelation, but it was the way it hit my heart. I was suffering restlessly through a Thursday in Adoration at St. Joseph Church with the youth catechism (YouCat), half-reading/half-skimming/(half-nodding off) through a section about Jesus (woah...), just trying to get through my prayer time, when I happened to catch the question,
"Was Jesus really dead? Maybe he was able to rise again because he only appeared to have suffered death." and the answer, "Jesus really died on the Cross; his body was buried. All the sources testify to this" (YouCat paragraph 103).
I re-read that statement probably 10 times in a row. I felt baffled by it. My heart sunk - I thought about the fact that Roman soldiers had made the determination that Jesus was dead. The finality of death applied to Jesus, the Son of God, Jesus, all powerful healer, Lord of Lords, King of Kings... hit me like a ton of bricks. Death. It seems so final...so unfitting...so unreal. I knew God was trying to speak something to my heart....but what?
After that "Jesus really died" moment in Adoration, God started to give me ample opportunities to pray the Stations of the Cross, the traditional 14 step journey with Jesus to his death and burial in the tomb. All different versions and meditations of it (God knows I get bored easily...), first it was Stations that my friends invited me to come to based on the Scripture verses surrounding Jesus' Passion and Death, then it was the Religious Ed Stations with the kids in the program I coordinate, and finally a candlelit meditation where my brother happened to be running sound.
Slowly the power of Jesus' free choice to save us started to sink in to my mind. During the last set of Stations, as I finally closed my eyes and settled into prayer, the haunting image of Jesus' face with the crown of thorns surrounding his head came into my mind. There was no hate there, only love. "Jesus was going to die" the phrase still resounding in my heart from Adoration. He knew that he was going to die, and he was choosing to die. I sat with that image for days afterwards. And even though the image of His suffering was in my mind, I still felt so far from Him. Like a stranger observing an historical event that happened far too long ago...and not a disciple, let alone a close friend...
A couple of weeks later, I found myself at Adoration again. This time I came expecting, listening, and ready for Jesus to say something to me. I opened a prayer book to see that the reflection for that day was on "Meditating on the Passion"....I will simply write here part of the meditation I read that struck me,
"We do well then to contemplate Our Lord's Passion....sometimes we imagine ourselves to be there, present amongst those who witnessed those moments....We put ourselves among the onlookers and see the disfigured yet noble face of Jesus. Astonishingly, we feel his infinite patience. With the help of grace, moreover, we can also try to contemplate the Passion of Christ as He himself lived it. It seems impossible, and of course it will always be a very impoverished view...but it can become for us an extraordinarily rich source of prayer..." (In Conversation with God, page 231-232).
My immediate reaction to was to rebel against this idea. Who wants to walk with Jesus on the Way of the Cross? It's a terrible, ugly, a brutal thing to witness....and now you are saying that you want me to imagine that I am one with Jesus in His suffering, in His Passion? St. Leo the Great tells us, "Whoever truly wishes to venerate the Passion of the Lord should contemplate Jesus crucified with the eyes of his soul, and in such a way that he identifies his own body with that of Jesus." Really Lord? What good could that possibly do for us now? This happened so long ago. As if the author could read my mind, the next section of the reflection was entitled, "The fruits of such meditation." So this is a good thing God?
"The divine and human events of the Passion will then pierce our soul as words spoken to us by God to uncover the secrets of our heart and show us what he expects of our lives...It is in Christ's wounds that we learn of the evil of sin which condemned him to suffer...It is in Christ's wounds that we find proof of his great love for us, for He endured such terrible pain and suffering precisely so as to show us just how much he loved us...A sin, therefore, is so much more than a human error...His Passion will inflame our love..."
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The Gift of Love
Today's first reading at Mass really caught my heart. I have not been to a daily Mass in some time and with our recent snow even my best intentions fell short. Today I found myself returning and finding that even when I get caught up in the chaos of life, God never changes.
Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm; For stern as death is love, relentless as the nether world is devotion; its flames are a blazing fire; Deep waters cannot quench love, nor flood waters sweep it away... - Song of Songs 8:6-7
I thought about God's relentless love, His relentless pursuit of the human race and of each human heart. I thought about the love of family, the love of close friends, and the love of a romance that nothing could quench. There is an overwhelming, relentless persistence in God's love, His transformation of our lives, and of His constant quiet leading of our hearts. It is stunning in its beauty. I am grateful for this gift of love and especially grateful for the people that God has placed in my life to reveal it to me.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Home for the Holidays
I went home for Christmas to visit my family and all of our family farm animals. My parents are really big on pets. I don't know what they would have done if my brother or I had been allergic to animals growing up (maybe a barn in our backyard for all the furballs?). Currently at my parent's home, there are 5 cute furry residents: a white loppy ear bunny (Tink), three cats (Mindy, Miranda, Max), and a full size collie (Duke)! It's certainly a house full! Here is how one of our furry family members welcomed me home on the first day of my Christmas visit.
Monday, September 1, 2008
All Things New
Happy Labor Day! The most famous and greatest labor of love happened when Jesus took the form of man and came to this earth. I've wanted to write this post for a LONG time from some notes I wrote one day in Adoration, but I kept losing the piece of paper along with the thoughts recorded on it....so today I've decided to recover them for you and since today is labor day, it seems fitting to write about the greatest work that was done to win our souls.
Our world is covered in all of it's darkness, shame, and confusion. Looking around it is easier to take note of the present situation of religious ignorance and indifference, of raging atheism, of the material neediness and poverty, the desperate brokenness in nations, in governments, in families, and in the very heart of every individual...where is the hope? Where is our Hope in the midst of overwhelming, smothering, all-out darkness?
The Word became flesh and dwelt among us - the Light of God entered into the dirtiness and darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Son of the Father, was born of a poor Virgin named Mary. In the Immaculate Conception of the Virgin of Nazareth, we heard the first echoes of hope. In her womb, he prepared a pathway for peace, "Behold, I make all things new...." He purified the body and soul of the New Ark of the Covenant, He made her holy, He conquered the darkness, and the Holy Spirit overshadowed the Blessed Virgin Mary.
In the Passion of the Christ, crucified, hanging from the Cross, "Behold, I make all things new..." In His glorious death, he descends to hell, proclaiming, "Behold, I make ALL things new..." as He captured the keys to death and the netherworld. As He met Mary of Magdala in the garden, she remembered how He had made her new. He revealed Himself to her again as He called her by name, "Mary!" and it echoed in her heart, "Behold, see, I make all things new!"
In the house at Emmaus, the disciples were struck with awe and trembling as they recognized their Savior and Lord in the breaking of the bread. They heard the Word of God resounding boldly, "Behold, I make all things new...."
To Thomas, who doubted, "See, Thomas, my hands - the nail marks here...and also, my side, do not hold back, I give myself, put your hand here...see, touch, behold, I make all things new."
Present in the Eucharist, Jesus stands before us, teaching us to hope, to believe, to love. He speaks boldly, "Behold, I make all things new." In the school of the Eucharist, in the Mass and in Adoration before the Blessed Sacrament, "Behold, I make all things new."
Suddenly, there is light piercing the darkness. There is hope drowning out despair. There is joy overwhelming the sadness. Jesus is Lord. He is still Lord. He will always be Lord.
Our world is covered in all of it's darkness, shame, and confusion. Looking around it is easier to take note of the present situation of religious ignorance and indifference, of raging atheism, of the material neediness and poverty, the desperate brokenness in nations, in governments, in families, and in the very heart of every individual...where is the hope? Where is our Hope in the midst of overwhelming, smothering, all-out darkness?
The Word became flesh and dwelt among us - the Light of God entered into the dirtiness and darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Son of the Father, was born of a poor Virgin named Mary. In the Immaculate Conception of the Virgin of Nazareth, we heard the first echoes of hope. In her womb, he prepared a pathway for peace, "Behold, I make all things new...." He purified the body and soul of the New Ark of the Covenant, He made her holy, He conquered the darkness, and the Holy Spirit overshadowed the Blessed Virgin Mary.
In the Passion of the Christ, crucified, hanging from the Cross, "Behold, I make all things new..." In His glorious death, he descends to hell, proclaiming, "Behold, I make ALL things new..." as He captured the keys to death and the netherworld. As He met Mary of Magdala in the garden, she remembered how He had made her new. He revealed Himself to her again as He called her by name, "Mary!" and it echoed in her heart, "Behold, see, I make all things new!"
In the house at Emmaus, the disciples were struck with awe and trembling as they recognized their Savior and Lord in the breaking of the bread. They heard the Word of God resounding boldly, "Behold, I make all things new...."
To Thomas, who doubted, "See, Thomas, my hands - the nail marks here...and also, my side, do not hold back, I give myself, put your hand here...see, touch, behold, I make all things new."
Present in the Eucharist, Jesus stands before us, teaching us to hope, to believe, to love. He speaks boldly, "Behold, I make all things new." In the school of the Eucharist, in the Mass and in Adoration before the Blessed Sacrament, "Behold, I make all things new."
Suddenly, there is light piercing the darkness. There is hope drowning out despair. There is joy overwhelming the sadness. Jesus is Lord. He is still Lord. He will always be Lord.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Representing Jesus
I've been thinking lately about how awesome it is to be Catholic and go to a Church service where Jesus actually shows up in the midst of His people. Imagine if you started telling people that the guest speaker at your church was going to be Jesus. (I'm sure that would turn some heads...)
Catholics believe that during Mass, Jesus' sacrifice on the Cross is re-presented to the world in a non-bloody way. How cool is it that just by showing up on Sunday, the Holy Spirit can transport us to the hill of Calvary? We have the opportunity to not only witness, but to deeply participate in the ultimate sacrifice of God's limitless love.
In Biblical times to remember or recall an experience meant to make it present again in a new moment of time, bringing the past full speed up to the present. It was about participating, deeply and meditatively, in the big events that generations before had experienced. When we hear our Lord Jesus speak, "Do this in remembrance of me" at the Last Supper, it means a lot more than taking a picture out of our photo album and looking at it fondly as we remember Him. It means that He wants to come again into our lives, into our present moment, and to perform the same powerful act that He did 2,000+ years ago! He wants to come in and dine with us (cf. Rev. 3:20) - and in the prayers of the Mass, we invite Him in to eat with us. And He's so good, that He provides us with the food - His very Body and Blood, the eternal Bread of Life. He comes in to dine with us, and He offers us Himself.
Talk about a perfect, self-less, genuine gift - that's His Love. And we should want to receive it joyfully (okay, maybe not dancing down the aisle...but with dancing in our hearts...). And we should be so overcome by all of this that we want to go out to represent Jesus to others, to re-present the gift that has been given so generously to us.
I mean, seriously, there's so many things in this world we could stand for, that we could represent, to every person we meet. It could be very well that you represent that you are a baseball player, or a mom, or a student to the world. Or that you like tacos...or The Office...or a sports team (to remain anonymous...). But how often is it that we allow Jesus to be made present through us. He allows Himself to be represented in simple bread and wine in the Mass, yet somehow we convince ourselves that we are not holy enough to represent Jesus! It's a ridiculous lie! His desire is to be made present in us. The challenge isn't about being holy enough or not. The challenge is being humble enough to let Him make Himself present and let go of our pride for once.
So that's my prayer lately. Jesus, please make yourself present through me. Humble me so that you can be made present. Let me receive you so that I can re-present you to the world. If there's one person I want to represent to the world, it's my Savior and the Savior of the world. Look around you, we need Him to be made present.
Catholics believe that during Mass, Jesus' sacrifice on the Cross is re-presented to the world in a non-bloody way. How cool is it that just by showing up on Sunday, the Holy Spirit can transport us to the hill of Calvary? We have the opportunity to not only witness, but to deeply participate in the ultimate sacrifice of God's limitless love.
In Biblical times to remember or recall an experience meant to make it present again in a new moment of time, bringing the past full speed up to the present. It was about participating, deeply and meditatively, in the big events that generations before had experienced. When we hear our Lord Jesus speak, "Do this in remembrance of me" at the Last Supper, it means a lot more than taking a picture out of our photo album and looking at it fondly as we remember Him. It means that He wants to come again into our lives, into our present moment, and to perform the same powerful act that He did 2,000+ years ago! He wants to come in and dine with us (cf. Rev. 3:20) - and in the prayers of the Mass, we invite Him in to eat with us. And He's so good, that He provides us with the food - His very Body and Blood, the eternal Bread of Life. He comes in to dine with us, and He offers us Himself.
Talk about a perfect, self-less, genuine gift - that's His Love. And we should want to receive it joyfully (okay, maybe not dancing down the aisle...but with dancing in our hearts...). And we should be so overcome by all of this that we want to go out to represent Jesus to others, to re-present the gift that has been given so generously to us.
I mean, seriously, there's so many things in this world we could stand for, that we could represent, to every person we meet. It could be very well that you represent that you are a baseball player, or a mom, or a student to the world. Or that you like tacos...or The Office...or a sports team (to remain anonymous...). But how often is it that we allow Jesus to be made present through us. He allows Himself to be represented in simple bread and wine in the Mass, yet somehow we convince ourselves that we are not holy enough to represent Jesus! It's a ridiculous lie! His desire is to be made present in us. The challenge isn't about being holy enough or not. The challenge is being humble enough to let Him make Himself present and let go of our pride for once.
So that's my prayer lately. Jesus, please make yourself present through me. Humble me so that you can be made present. Let me receive you so that I can re-present you to the world. If there's one person I want to represent to the world, it's my Savior and the Savior of the world. Look around you, we need Him to be made present.
Monday, June 23, 2008
God-given Heart
Yesterday I happened downtown to attend the Celebration of the Lord's Supper (ie, Mass) at the Cathedral. Bishop Hermann met my friends and I afterwards at the door. He chatted with us about many things, but one thing really caught all of us. He was talking about Fr. Mike Scanlan and his decision to be president of Franciscan University back in the seventies. The dear Bishop reminded us that Fr. Mike was going to turn the offer down, but hit a turning point at a Charismatic conference.
One of the evangelical preachers was talking about his own calling. He wanted to go into the heart of Africa, but he was serving as the pastor of a church in the suburbs of America instead. During prayer, the Lord spoke to his heart and said, "I will not send you to Africa until I place Africa in your heart."
At hearing this, Fr. Mike knew in his heart, the Spirit moved, that he was called to go to Steubenville to be president of this college even though he didn't want to go. Over the years, God put Steubenville in his heart.
After the Bishop had shared this, I laughed out loud. It's exactly what has most recently happened to me. When I graduated from Franciscan University, my desire and calling was to go to China. I went there to serve for a month. It was beautiful, life-altering, and transforming. Such a gift from the Lord directly to my heart. I returned to the States and to a tough decision about where to go next. Even though my heart was still in China, I accepted a job to work at a parish in mid-west suburbia as a youth minister.
I struggled daily, wondering constantly: what was I doing in the mid-west suburbs when I dreamed of missions? After a year serving in the suburbs, I considered leaving and finding a place to volunteer for a year while I figured things out. I went so far as to interview at a volunteer position in Arizona. I wanted to go, but it felt terribly empty inside. I prayed that God would change my heart and let me see His will. I begged Him, thinking that if I prayed hard enough, He would open up something somewhere and let me leave.
I stopped at home briefly and talked to dear friends and family about my discernment - should I go or should I stay? I talked about the volunteer opportunities. One woman looked at me and said, "Wow. that's tough, but I have no doubt that whatever you choose you'll do fine. You have the heart of a lion..." It hit me like a brick. If I had the heart of a lion, why didn't I have a heart for the parish I had served for a year? Why did it seem like my ministry was such a struggle?
The pursuit for other work was coming up empty and I had no idea why or what to do. I left for a week to go to Arizona. Each night away from St. Louis, I found myself missing the city, the people, the parish, and the teens. I tried desperately to ignore the feeling, but it wouldn't go away. It wasn't until I was driving back from the airport to the parish in St. Louis that it hit me. I felt like I was coming home. At first I laughed out loud, then I just started crying. Tears streaming down my face. That night I couldn't stop smiling. It was powerful, overwhelming, and strikingly clear.
God had indeed changed my heart. Confirmation after confirmation. I knew it. Yet I was afraid, could I allow myself to fully embrace this mission? What would it look like? Could I handle it? Questions raced in, casting doubt, about my ability and my calling. After a few days of questioning God and those feelings of my heart, I finally listened to the Spirit's movement. All those doubts of my mind didn't matter nearly as much as the convicting clarity the Spirit had given to my heart. I knew where I belonged.
No matter where I am, I am called to love. That is God's will for me in Christ Jesus. And if I do have the heart of a lion...God has a lot of heart to teach how to love. Obviously, He's not through teaching me all I need to learn in St. Louis. When it's time to go, I have no doubt He'll change my heart. And if it takes a while to get through to me, then we will all know it's because lions have big hearts.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Making God Laugh
"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans..."
I tend to make God laugh. I'm a planner by nature. I like to dream big dreams, plan, plot, and pitch new projects. It's how I work. I like to have things figured out. Set to go. On the way somewhere. Anywhere. Fast (My cartoon version would be a big blue blur with a tan blurred head).
This weekend I had a moment of revelation when I spent time with some good friends of mine. These women are not technically family, but we might as well be related. We are like sisters. They are the people I feel the most comfortable with in the entire world. And I am blessed to have them in my life. So I was hanging out with these women this weekend because we were all going to a wedding of a mutual friend of ours.
Anyway, back to my moment...I had a moment when I was simply spending time with these women when I realized that I had been planning for something, plotting, organizing, and working hard because I had decided that I knew where I was going. That, finally, after months of confusion, I had a direction and gosh darnit I was going to do what I was going to do. Period. End of story.
Then about a week ago (after much solo planning), I started to listen to the movement of the Holy Spirit within my own heart. And what I thought I was going to do, I could no longer do. I was forced to stop everything and just let it go. Wow. What a feeling. All this planning, plotting, praying, agonizing over God's will....and in an instant (it seemed that way...) it all stopped with the breath of His Spirit moving in my heart.
A lot of times in my life, I've wondered about how the heck I'm supposed to know what God wants. People just say you're supposed to pray, read the Bible, and make decisions trusting that God will work. Or others preach about signs and wonders. They saw something, they heard something, they were given concrete, literal signs pointing them in the chosen direction. They make it all sound so simple. But really sometimes it's not. Sometimes it can be very complicated. At least I make it that way. Lol. God's all about the journey when often times I'm just rushing to a destination. Why?
Well, you know what, God is mysterious. Not like some wacky murder mystery for genius minds or a dark figure lurking around in the corner. He is mystery. He wants us to be in awe and wonder before Him. To be in mystery. To be in worship and surrender. Total surrender. For some of us (especially the stubborn Irish type), it takes a bigger push (or pull) in our lives to get us to that point.
In the last several months, God has brought me to the point of utter confusion. Utter confusion. Why? Because He wanted me to wander around aimlessly?? Nope (Even though he did it to the Israelites and I certainly deserved it...). Because He wanted to play a joke on me? Nada. Instead, He was inviting me into a place of complete surrender. But I fought it. I wanted to plan, remember? Instead of giving up and giving to Him, I tried to take control, think rationally, solve my own problems.
So I struggled through 5 generally miserable months of confusion, chaos, and struggle. I tried to pray and felt like every time I was getting nowhere. The reason why was that I was spending all my time telling God how to be God - how to solve my problems, make my life stress free, and how I was going to live for Him. (Ha. It's funny now...not so much then...). I was wasting time marketing my plan to the Almighty Creator. Then after all this product pitching with God, I surrendered and then He moved my heart.
Did you know He can do that? He is so powerful that His Spirit can come inside of your heart and move it, change it, and inspire it in the blink of an eye. It really is quite incredible. And because of that moment of the Spirit moving in my heart through very human emotion, I now know exactly where I am called and what I am supposed to be doing right now in my life. I know that I am called to be a youth minister and live as a single woman striving for holiness in every day life. Simple.
However, it is the first time in a year that I have known God's will for me. It really is incredible. A gift from God. And the funny thing is, I didn't plan it and I am sure it made God laugh.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Dance Before the Lord
Over the past several years, I have been struggling to find a way to live in praise to God. I know it sounds like a simple concept, but praising God in your life can have many applications.
For instance, praising God when you are having a hard day and it starts raining just as you pull in your driveway to unload the groceries. That's one way to praise. Or praising God when it's sunny, your windows are rolled down, and you're singing to the radio. Or doing your work to the best of your ability and giving it all you've got even when you don't understand why your boss wants you to do something a certain way. When you do the dishes (and scrub pots…) to help out your mom. All of these situations help us to praise God with our lives. But there's something else I want to talk about here.
Praising God often times is connected with a little phrase in the Christian/Catholic sub-culture - "praise and worship" - P&W for short. Some stick to chant and hymns, others to 70's charismatic movement songs, others are of the David Crowder/Hillsong variety. No matter what your taste in tunes, almost everyone has an opinion about how one should praise and worship God. It's kind of a funny thing. Even within one denomination, there could be several varying opinions about how a true follower of Christ should praise and enough services to suit your palette for praise no matter what mood you are in.
So who’s to say how to praise? Is there a way to do it? Well, you’ll find the psalmists in all sorts of positions of praise (more than yoga…) and they were seeking God with everything, in all sorts of situations and circumstances of life, and the Psalms have always been held up by the Church. “Prayed and fulfilled in Christ, the Psalms are an essential and permanent element of the prayer of the Church. They are suitable for men of every condition and time…” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2597). So what do the Psalmists say about how to praise God?
I’m not going to go through a whole list of Hebrew words and what they mean, but I want to list what we see in the Psalmists praise. Take a look at this list:
- Standing (30:8), sitting (139:1; 149:5), laying down (4:5), arms raised (28:2; 63:5), hiding (31:2; 57:2), crying (6:9), laughing (16:11), shouting (18:4; 27:6), singing (9:3), and yes, even sleeping (3:6)….
In every moment, in whatever physical position your body is in, you have an opportunity to invite God in and praise Him.
This Sunday, I was at my home parish in York, PA attending Mass with my family. Right as the piano started the musical interlude for the Gloria, I noticed something swaying slightly side to side, a little piece of pink fabric. I looked around the person’s head in front of me, and that’s when I saw her. This adorable little girl dressed in pink little pants, and a pink shirt with a cute skirt built in. Her black curls pulled in a ponytail on top of her head.
I immediately flashed back to my own twirling days, dancing in my grandparents’ living room, and making family members wait for my “performance” until I had on an appropriate dancing skirt. I loved to dance for them.
Then I was quickly overcome by delight. There was something about seeing this little girl dance to the Gloria across the aisle, moving her hips to the beat, and tapping her toes, her little skirt swishing slightly around her. I couldn’t stop smiling. Her joyful dance before the Lord was contagious. I had to smile. I was delighted in the freedom she had to dance before the Lord and I couldn’t hold it in. I smiled the whole way through the Gloria.
What’s so funny about this seemingly small incident is that before Mass I had been contemplating praise and worship, especially people who speak about how one must be physically expressive in worship to show one’s true openness to God and about the Psalms. I hadn’t really come to any deep, meaningful conclusion, but it was on my mind when I spotted the girl dancing her little heart out at Mass.
Now if I had started dancing in the middle of Mass, people would have been horrified and rightfully concerned. However, this little girl dancing and twirling to the music brought those around her great delight and joy. There was something so fitting about her dancing. King David also made a dancing debut before the Lord (2 Samuel 6:14). What are we to think about that?
The conclusion that came to my mind was that the same delight I had over this little girl’s dancing is the delight that God the Father has for each one of us. He is smiling over us and delighting in our dancing. Not because we are twirling down the aisles at Church or because we are raising our hands to praise Him. He delights in our dance. The dance of our lives – our breathing, our work, our day to day activity, our friendships, our conversations – our very lives are our dance before the Lord.
Our lives are the praise which delights God. More than hands raised, He delights in hearts raised to Him in sorrow, joy, fear, trust, and in the daily grind of errands. The Lord delights when we dance and we will always delight Him. We can’t change the Lord’s delight in having made us, even when we turn from Him and run the opposite direction. However, because He delights in us so much, He longs for us to invite Him into our lives, into our thoughts and dreams, and into every part of our dance. Let the music play on and the twirling continue...
Sunday, May 11, 2008
A Fiery Mother's Day?
So today is a special day - it's a day to celebrate moms and grandmothers and the beautiful women in our lives who have served us so well throughout the years. It also happens to be Pentecost Sunday. I know. I know. You're saying, "My relationship with my mother is fiery enough!" Maybe that's true for you. I know at certain times in my life I could've said the same (especially when I was a teen!!).
But there's a beautiful reality that we can find in the cross fire between Mom's Day and Pentecost. If we rewind to the first Pentecost (Acts 2:1-11), the Holy Spirit came upon the Apostles and Mary gathered in the Upper Room in Jerusalem. That's right, Mary was there. The Mother of Jesus, the wife of Joseph, the Mother given to John and to all of us at the Cross (John 19:26-27). She was there at Pentecost to receive Her Spouse, the Holy Spirit, a second time. We can celebrate her as a spiritual mother given to us on this Mother's Day.
So what about the Pentecost part? Well, Pentecost was the outpouring of the Holy Spirit that changed the world. The Spirit came to give the Apostles to be witnesses for Christ in the world. The Spirit transformed them, stripped them of their weakness, pride, and fear, and gave them hope for the conversion of the world. What does the Spirit want to do with us? What does He want to transform? Where do we need His Hope?
Maybe the answer can touch on the core relationships of our life, including the relationship we have with our families, most especially our moms. No matter how old we are, our mothers deserve our honor, respect, affection, and love. And no matter who you are, you've probably had a few big arguments with mom in your life time. Some more than others. Even if you have the greatest mom in the world, and you've only ever fought about which china to use for Christmas dinner, the Holy Spirit has something more for your relationship, far beyond what you have in mind. He wants to do something beautiful, something transforming, something life giving in your relationships and in your family. So go ahead, spoil your mom today, pray for her, and pray for the Holy Spirit to come into your relationship!
I love when two calendars collide...:-)
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Finding God in the Silence
We had our last Rock session for our newly confirmed 8th graders this past Monday and Tuesday. I invited priests, religious, and married couples to share their vocation stories and wisdom with our teens. It was awesome. We started each session by watching the Fishers of Men video. I saw it a total of 6 times in two days. You think I would have gotten tired of it (and I did) but I also learned a lot.
Two lines really struck me watching this video. "With love, sacrifice is nothing." and "Vocations grow in silence. God calls to ears which are open and ready to hear. It is the same in a relationship with God. It only grows in silence...with a God who only speaks in silence..."
Growth in silence. It's the way the world operates. The sun rises and sets in silence. There is no shattering of the sky or earth. Have you ever heard a sun set? No. What about a flower bloom? Nope. What about a baby growing in it's mother's womb? Of course not. Silence. Beautiful, earth shattering silence. It's how God, our Father, the Almighty Creator, works.
It makes sense then that he would call us in silence. It's so un-natural, un-fun, such an un-human way of doing something. Think about it. How do marketing gurus get us to buy their stuff? To buy in to their programs? To commit our time or our money to something? Loud. Annoying. Commercials. Ads. Flyers. Billboards. Podcasts. Facebook pages. (Blogs...) It's in our face constantly.
But God is not human. And His ways aren't ours (Isaiah 55:8 - thank God). He calls in silence. He speaks in silence. Our relationship with Him grows in silence. He leads in silence.
And no matter how much that might frustrate us or annoy us (especially if we are impatient people), that's how He chooses to work. And He's the Master. It's like the Karate Kid movie...(hang on, let me explain)
The kid goes to the Master. He wants to learn karate so that he doesn't have to keep getting beat up by the bigger guys. The Master agrees, but on one condition, "I tell you what to do, and you do it - no questions asked." The kid agrees.
He shows up the next day ready to learn forms, kicks, punches, but instead the Master tells him to wash and wax all his classic cars. The next day, painting his fences, and then his house. What?! That's NOT karate. What the kid doesn't realize is what the Master knows. The Master knows karate. He knows what kind of motion and muscle strength it takes to master the discipline and art of karate.
How often does God tell us to do something and we just don't get it? (Happened to the Apostles all the time...) He often works in the details - training us, preparing us, teaching us, leading us, transforming us to be our best, the way He made us, whole creations in Him. But instead of trusting the Master, we try to do our own thing and we end up miserable. Instead of facing the silence of His presence, we turn the other direction and look for stuff to fill the void. We turn to creation instead of trusting the Creator.
What is it that is so intimidating about silence? Silence helps us to face reality. Reality is not always easy, and often times our prayers are met with silence and even when we strain to hear God, we find nothing. But when has it all been up to us? Who put us in control? Oh, that's right, it's not about us. It's not about us having it all in control. It's about trusting the Master.
I'm still working on it...waiting in the silence is not easy and trust in silence is not easy...
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Watching the Lights Come On
It's the best part of my job. Watching the lights come on in someone's eyes. I was graced with one of those moments just today. My buddy, Jim, who works as the adult faith formation/Bible study guru, is out of town this weekend in CO so I nobly agreed to take his Baptism prep class.
I got into my office an hour early. Organized the materials. Started feeling nervous. The weight of eternity bearing down on my soul - a World Series of what-ifs. "What if they don't know Jesus and hate Church? What if this is the only chance to prepare them for what's going to happen to their children? What if I can't do this? What do I know? I'm not a parent. I've never had a kid baptized. I tried to reassure myself - I have a theology and catechetics degree from an awesome university; what's the problem? I'll be fine." It kind of worked...
But finally I had a talk with God. Okay, God, this is your business. You're going to have to speak to these parents. I know that I received you in baptism, help me to share my love of you with them. Suddenly, I felt much better. Calmer. Less ADHD. More focused. In control. Funny, I thought I just gave up control.
Well, I set up the room. Double checked my materials. Then as I was walking back to the youth office, I saw a young woman sitting at the table. I felt like my throat was in my stomach or something, but the whole thing clicked right away.
She had read the sign in front of church congratulating First Communicants and Confirmands. She came into the basement and was reminiscing about her Confirmation that took place at St. Alban Roe right after her family had moved to the area. Then I enter, stage left, the Confirmation coordinator. Bingo.
So I ran the class. And right in the middle of it when I was least expecting it. It came. My favorite part of my job. Watching the lights come on.
We were talking about how God has shown his love for his people and provided for them since the beginning. I thought a visual would be nice. I started with Adam and Eve and drew a semi-straight line ending in 2008. Then I drew a cross. That's when she got the big picture. The lights came on. God the Father has been providing and caring for his people since day one, saving His people through WATER, we were created to be like Him. Jesus proved it, and His sacrifice, the BLOOD and WATER from His side, extends back to the beginning and all the way up to this very moment, including her son's baptism in a couple of weeks. She glanced up and smiled. A big, warm genuine smile. A "I get it...God is big and He loves us..." smile.
Nothing compares to it. There's no greater joy. Seeing someone realize how big God is and how small we are, but how He reaches down and touches the details of our lives. How big He is and how intimately He cares about each soul. It's a beautiful thing. Watching the lights come on.
And today I got to see it happen. I'm a lucky woman.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Ministry and Living Mission
I've been thinking a lot about ministry and missions...a bagel and mocha with a YM friend really got me thinking.
Youth ministry in a parish is very different from being in a foreign mission field. I'm used to having a house full of Catholic young adults ready to go out and change the world - one outreach, one teen, at a time. All behind a common mission. Then also having fun and living life and friendship together. I miss it. I miss the community.
It's difficult to move to a new city and try to connect there without a "home base" of other young adults to support one another. I've had a very challenging year. It's been good. I've certainly learned a lot - abandonment, trust, God's faithfulness and providence have carried me through it for sure. But there's something special about having COMMUNITY - daily, life giving, diverse...
Acts 2:42, "They devoted themselves to the teaching of the apostles and to the communal life, to the breaking of the bread, and to the prayers..."
That's what I'm talking about. :-)
Youth ministry in a parish is very different from being in a foreign mission field. I'm used to having a house full of Catholic young adults ready to go out and change the world - one outreach, one teen, at a time. All behind a common mission. Then also having fun and living life and friendship together. I miss it. I miss the community.
It's difficult to move to a new city and try to connect there without a "home base" of other young adults to support one another. I've had a very challenging year. It's been good. I've certainly learned a lot - abandonment, trust, God's faithfulness and providence have carried me through it for sure. But there's something special about having COMMUNITY - daily, life giving, diverse...
Acts 2:42, "They devoted themselves to the teaching of the apostles and to the communal life, to the breaking of the bread, and to the prayers..."
That's what I'm talking about. :-)
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Third Day: Communion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5x6khRQFlOc
A good friend of mine sent me this video off of You Tube. It is the Third Day song, Communion, set to clips from the Passion of Christ by Mel Gibson.
"I am the Living Bread which has come down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever; and the bread that I shall give is my flesh, for the life of the world." John 6:51
Let us never forget that in each Mass we receive the very Body and Blood of our Savior and King. He has given Himself fully to us so that we can live for Him.
A good friend of mine sent me this video off of You Tube. It is the Third Day song, Communion, set to clips from the Passion of Christ by Mel Gibson.
"I am the Living Bread which has come down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever; and the bread that I shall give is my flesh, for the life of the world." John 6:51
Let us never forget that in each Mass we receive the very Body and Blood of our Savior and King. He has given Himself fully to us so that we can live for Him.
One Year After Steubenville
A year ago, I was getting ready to graduate from Franciscan University with some of my best friends in the world, five amazing sisters in Christ, me, Mary Jo, Anna, Valerie, and Jen. The first Warriors to leave home base. Now we are all over the United States and the world. Scattered sheep. Yes, but each of us in ministry, serving God, on the front lines.
I'm here in St. Louis working as a youth minister. MJ is in Slovakia - missionary and English teacher. Anna is in the Bronx - lay missions and serving with the CFRs. That takes care of the founders of the Warriors of the Word. Then Val is in New Hampshire - youth minister and soon to be bride. Jen is near Boston - youth minister.
It was a year ago that we all graduated from Steubenville. Our hearts filled with the Word, going out to change the world, and be witnesses to Love. Our younger sisters cheering us on.
What will the next year hold? Where will His Word take us? We now stand back watching our younger sisters go out to take their place and be scattered wherever the Word takes them.
It's hard to say where we will all end up going. But we will always be Warriors at heart. Striving to follow the voice of His Word. The whisper of the Shepherd. It's the best life there is.
I'm here in St. Louis working as a youth minister. MJ is in Slovakia - missionary and English teacher. Anna is in the Bronx - lay missions and serving with the CFRs. That takes care of the founders of the Warriors of the Word. Then Val is in New Hampshire - youth minister and soon to be bride. Jen is near Boston - youth minister.
It was a year ago that we all graduated from Steubenville. Our hearts filled with the Word, going out to change the world, and be witnesses to Love. Our younger sisters cheering us on.
What will the next year hold? Where will His Word take us? We now stand back watching our younger sisters go out to take their place and be scattered wherever the Word takes them.
It's hard to say where we will all end up going. But we will always be Warriors at heart. Striving to follow the voice of His Word. The whisper of the Shepherd. It's the best life there is.
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