God-given Heart

Yesterday I happened downtown to attend the Celebration of the Lord's Supper (ie, Mass) at the Cathedral. Bishop Hermann met my friends and I afterwards at the door. He chatted with us about many things, but one thing really caught all of us. He was talking about Fr. Mike Scanlan and his decision to be president of Franciscan University back in the seventies. The dear Bishop reminded us that Fr. Mike was going to turn the offer down, but hit a turning point at a Charismatic conference.

One of the evangelical preachers was talking about his own calling. He wanted to go into the heart of Africa, but he was serving as the pastor of a church in the suburbs of America instead. During prayer, the Lord spoke to his heart and said, "I will not send you to Africa until I place Africa in your heart."

At hearing this, Fr. Mike knew in his heart, the Spirit moved, that he was called to go to Steubenville to be president of this college even though he didn't want to go. Over the years, God put Steubenville in his heart.

After the Bishop had shared this, I laughed out loud. It's exactly what has most recently happened to me. When I graduated from Franciscan University, my desire and calling was to go to China. I went there to serve for a month. It was beautiful, life-altering, and transforming. Such a gift from the Lord directly to my heart. I returned to the States and to a tough decision about where to go next. Even though my heart was still in China, I accepted a job to work at a parish in mid-west suburbia as a youth minister.

I struggled daily, wondering constantly: what was I doing in the mid-west suburbs when I dreamed of missions? After a year serving in the suburbs, I considered leaving and finding a place to volunteer for a year while I figured things out. I went so far as to interview at a volunteer position in Arizona. I wanted to go, but it felt terribly empty inside. I prayed that God would change my heart and let me see His will. I begged Him, thinking that if I prayed hard enough, He would open up something somewhere and let me leave.

I stopped at home briefly and talked to dear friends and family about my discernment - should I go or should I stay? I talked about the volunteer opportunities. One woman looked at me and said, "Wow. that's tough, but I have no doubt that whatever you choose you'll do fine. You have the heart of a lion..." It hit me like a brick. If I had the heart of a lion, why didn't I have a heart for the parish I had served for a year? Why did it seem like my ministry was such a struggle?

The pursuit for other work was coming up empty and I had no idea why or what to do. I left for a week to go to Arizona. Each night away from St. Louis, I found myself missing the city, the people, the parish, and the teens. I tried desperately to ignore the feeling, but it wouldn't go away. It wasn't until I was driving back from the airport to the parish in St. Louis that it hit me. I felt like I was coming home. At first I laughed out loud, then I just started crying. Tears streaming down my face. That night I couldn't stop smiling. It was powerful, overwhelming, and strikingly clear.

God had indeed changed my heart. Confirmation after confirmation. I knew it. Yet I was afraid, could I allow myself to fully embrace this mission? What would it look like? Could I handle it? Questions raced in, casting doubt, about my ability and my calling. After a few days of questioning God and those feelings of my heart, I finally listened to the Spirit's movement. All those doubts of my mind didn't matter nearly as much as the convicting clarity the Spirit had given to my heart. I knew where I belonged.

No matter where I am, I am called to love. That is God's will for me in Christ Jesus. And if I do have the heart of a lion...God has a lot of heart to teach how to love. Obviously, He's not through teaching me all I need to learn in St. Louis. When it's time to go, I have no doubt He'll change my heart. And if it takes a while to get through to me, then we will all know it's because lions have big hearts.

Making God Laugh

"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans..."

I tend to make God laugh. I'm a planner by nature. I like to dream big dreams, plan, plot, and pitch new projects. It's how I work. I like to have things figured out. Set to go. On the way somewhere. Anywhere. Fast (My cartoon version would be a big blue blur with a tan blurred head).

This weekend I had a moment of revelation when I spent time with some good friends of mine. These women are not technically family, but we might as well be related. We are like sisters. They are the people I feel the most comfortable with in the entire world. And I am blessed to have them in my life. So I was hanging out with these women this weekend because we were all going to a wedding of a mutual friend of ours.

Anyway, back to my moment...I had a moment when I was simply spending time with these women when I realized that I had been planning for something, plotting, organizing, and working hard because I had decided that I knew where I was going. That, finally, after months of confusion, I had a direction and gosh darnit I was going to do what I was going to do. Period. End of story.

Then about a week ago (after much solo planning), I started to listen to the movement of the Holy Spirit within my own heart. And what I thought I was going to do, I could no longer do. I was forced to stop everything and just let it go. Wow. What a feeling. All this planning, plotting, praying, agonizing over God's will....and in an instant (it seemed that way...) it all stopped with the breath of His Spirit moving in my heart.

A lot of times in my life, I've wondered about how the heck I'm supposed to know what God wants. People just say you're supposed to pray, read the Bible, and make decisions trusting that God will work. Or others preach about signs and wonders. They saw something, they heard something, they were given concrete, literal signs pointing them in the chosen direction. They make it all sound so simple. But really sometimes it's not. Sometimes it can be very complicated. At least I make it that way. Lol. God's all about the journey when often times I'm just rushing to a destination. Why?

Well, you know what, God is mysterious. Not like some wacky murder mystery for genius minds or a dark figure lurking around in the corner. He is mystery. He wants us to be in awe and wonder before Him. To be in mystery. To be in worship and surrender. Total surrender. For some of us (especially the stubborn Irish type), it takes a bigger push (or pull) in our lives to get us to that point.

In the last several months, God has brought me to the point of utter confusion. Utter confusion. Why? Because He wanted me to wander around aimlessly?? Nope (Even though he did it to the Israelites and I certainly deserved it...). Because He wanted to play a joke on me? Nada. Instead, He was inviting me into a place of complete surrender. But I fought it. I wanted to plan, remember? Instead of giving up and giving to Him, I tried to take control, think rationally, solve my own problems.

So I struggled through 5 generally miserable months of confusion, chaos, and struggle. I tried to pray and felt like every time I was getting nowhere. The reason why was that I was spending all my time telling God how to be God - how to solve my problems, make my life stress free, and how I was going to live for Him. (Ha. It's funny now...not so much then...). I was wasting time marketing my plan to the Almighty Creator. Then after all this product pitching with God, I surrendered and then He moved my heart.

Did you know He can do that? He is so powerful that His Spirit can come inside of your heart and move it, change it, and inspire it in the blink of an eye. It really is quite incredible. And because of that moment of the Spirit moving in my heart through very human emotion, I now know exactly where I am called and what I am supposed to be doing right now in my life. I know that I am called to be a youth minister and live as a single woman striving for holiness in every day life. Simple.

However, it is the first time in a year that I have known God's will for me. It really is incredible. A gift from God. And the funny thing is, I didn't plan it and I am sure it made God laugh.