The Gift of Love

Today's first reading at Mass really caught my heart. I have not been to a daily Mass in some time and with our recent snow even my best intentions fell short. Today I found myself returning and finding that even when I get caught up in the chaos of life, God never changes.

Set me as a seal on your heart,
as a seal on your arm;
For stern as death is love,
relentless as the nether world is devotion;
its flames are a blazing fire.
Deep waters cannot quench love,
nor flood waters sweep it away...
- Song of Songs 8:6-7

I thought about God's relentless love, His relentless pursuit of the human race and of each human heart. I thought about the love of family, the love of close friends, and the love of a romance that nothing could quench. There is an overwhelming, relentless persistence in God's love, His transformation of our lives, and of His constant quiet leading of our hearts. It is stunning in its beauty. I am grateful for this gift of love and especially grateful for the people that God has placed in my life to reveal it to me.

Protestants are cool.

I think so anyway. I've been meeting and networking with some great people and ministries in the evangelical world and it's been great. I get excited when we can all stand behind a common vision and heart for Jesus Christ and for teens. Two examples: Mercy Ministries and Rock the River Tour.

Mercy Ministries - a ministry for teen girls struggling with serious and tough stuff in their lives can find a place to call home, to be transformed, and set on a path of true freedom in Christ. They have a home in the St. Louis area and I have been working to build a relationship with them so that we can send girls there hopefully and also so that they know there is a Catholic youth ministry in the area dedicated to pointing teens to Christ and a real relationship with Him.

Rock the River - I got an email from a Catholic youth guy who works for the Archdiocese of St. Louis and about the Rock the River tour the Billy Graham Association is putting on in St. Louis in August. I emailed him to see what the Catholic involvement was going to be. Seems that just yesterday at their staff meeting they got the word that Bishop Hermann was behind Rock the River and wants the Catholic Youth Apostolate to get involved!! Praise the Lord! I got a phone call today and hope to be a Catholic presence at the Rock the River event as well.

Pretty exciting stuff. Just goes to show you that the Spirit is blessing a heart for unity among Christians! It's the intention of the Spirit to bring Christians together to build His Kingdom. Keep praying for Christian unity - God is moving in our area and I'm sure across the country and around the world.

Home for the Holidays

I went home for Christmas to visit my family and all of our family farm animals. My parents are really big on pets. I don't know what they would have done if my brother or I had been allergic to animals growing up (maybe a barn in our backyard for all the furballs?). Currently at my parent's home, there are 5 cute furry residents: a white loppy ear bunny (Tink), three cats (Mindy, Miranda, Max), and a full size collie (Duke)! It's certainly a house full! Here is how one of our furry family members welcomed me home on the first day of my Christmas visit.

All Things New

Happy Labor Day! The most famous and greatest labor of love happened when Jesus took the form of man and came to this earth. I've wanted to write this post for a LONG time from some notes I wrote one day in Adoration, but I kept losing the piece of paper along with the thoughts recorded on it....so today I've decided to recover them for you and since today is labor day, it seems fitting to write about the greatest work that was done to win our souls.

Our world is covered in all of it's darkness, shame, and confusion. Looking around it is easier to take note of the present situation of religious ignorance and indifference, of raging atheism, of the material neediness and poverty, the desperate brokenness in nations, in governments, in families, and in the very heart of every individual...where is the hope? Where is our Hope in the midst of overwhelming, smothering, all-out darkness?

The Word became flesh and dwelt among us - the Light of God entered into the dirtiness and darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Son of the Father, was born of a poor Virgin named Mary. In the Immaculate Conception of the Virgin of Nazareth, we heard the first echoes of hope. In her womb, he prepared a pathway for peace, "Behold, I make all things new...." He purified the body and soul of the New Ark of the Covenant, He made her holy, He conquered the darkness, and the Holy Spirit overshadowed the Blessed Virgin Mary.

In the Passion of the Christ, crucified, hanging from the Cross, "Behold, I make all things new..." In His glorious death, he descends to hell, proclaiming, "Behold, I make ALL things new..." as He captured the keys to death and the netherworld. As He met Mary of Magdala in the garden, she remembered how He had made her new. He revealed Himself to her again as He called her by name, "Mary!" and it echoed in her heart, "Behold, see, I make all things new!"

In the house at Emmaus, the disciples were struck with awe and trembling as they recognized their Savior and Lord in the breaking of the bread. They heard the Word of God resounding boldly, "Behold, I make all things new...."

To Thomas, who doubted, "See, Thomas, my hands - the nail marks here...and also, my side, do not hold back, I give myself, put your hand here...see, touch, behold, I make all things new."

Present in the Eucharist, Jesus stands before us, teaching us to hope, to believe, to love. He speaks boldly, "Behold, I make all things new." In the school of the Eucharist, in the Mass and in Adoration before the Blessed Sacrament, "Behold, I make all things new."

Suddenly, there is light piercing the darkness. There is hope drowning out despair. There is joy overwhelming the sadness. Jesus is Lord. He is still Lord. He will always be Lord.

Representing Jesus

I've been thinking lately about how awesome it is to be Catholic and go to a Church service where Jesus actually shows up in the midst of His people. Imagine if you started telling people that the guest speaker at your church was going to be Jesus. (I'm sure that would turn some heads...)

Catholics believe that during Mass, Jesus' sacrifice on the Cross is re-presented to the world in a non-bloody way. How cool is it that just by showing up on Sunday, the Holy Spirit can transport us to the hill of Calvary? We have the opportunity to not only witness, but to deeply participate in the ultimate sacrifice of God's limitless love.

In Biblical times to remember or recall an experience meant to make it present again in a new moment of time, bringing the past full speed up to the present. It was about participating, deeply and meditatively, in the big events that generations before had experienced. When we hear our Lord Jesus speak, "Do this in remembrance of me" at the Last Supper, it means a lot more than taking a picture out of our photo album and looking at it fondly as we remember Him. It means that He wants to come again into our lives, into our present moment, and to perform the same powerful act that He did 2,000+ years ago! He wants to come in and dine with us (cf. Rev. 3:20) - and in the prayers of the Mass, we invite Him in to eat with us. And He's so good, that He provides us with the food - His very Body and Blood, the eternal Bread of Life. He comes in to dine with us, and He offers us Himself.

Talk about a perfect, self-less, genuine gift - that's His Love. And we should want to receive it joyfully (okay, maybe not dancing down the aisle...but with dancing in our hearts...). And we should be so overcome by all of this that we want to go out to represent Jesus to others, to re-present the gift that has been given so generously to us.

I mean, seriously, there's so many things in this world we could stand for, that we could represent, to every person we meet. It could be very well that you represent that you are a baseball player, or a mom, or a student to the world. Or that you like tacos...or The Office...or a sports team (to remain anonymous...). But how often is it that we allow Jesus to be made present through us. He allows Himself to be represented in simple bread and wine in the Mass, yet somehow we convince ourselves that we are not holy enough to represent Jesus! It's a ridiculous lie! His desire is to be made present in us. The challenge isn't about being holy enough or not. The challenge is being humble enough to let Him make Himself present and let go of our pride for once.

So that's my prayer lately. Jesus, please make yourself present through me. Humble me so that you can be made present. Let me receive you so that I can re-present you to the world. If there's one person I want to represent to the world, it's my Savior and the Savior of the world. Look around you, we need Him to be made present.

God-given Heart

Yesterday I happened downtown to attend the Celebration of the Lord's Supper (ie, Mass) at the Cathedral. Bishop Hermann met my friends and I afterwards at the door. He chatted with us about many things, but one thing really caught all of us. He was talking about Fr. Mike Scanlan and his decision to be president of Franciscan University back in the seventies. The dear Bishop reminded us that Fr. Mike was going to turn the offer down, but hit a turning point at a Charismatic conference.

One of the evangelical preachers was talking about his own calling. He wanted to go into the heart of Africa, but he was serving as the pastor of a church in the suburbs of America instead. During prayer, the Lord spoke to his heart and said, "I will not send you to Africa until I place Africa in your heart."

At hearing this, Fr. Mike knew in his heart, the Spirit moved, that he was called to go to Steubenville to be president of this college even though he didn't want to go. Over the years, God put Steubenville in his heart.

After the Bishop had shared this, I laughed out loud. It's exactly what has most recently happened to me. When I graduated from Franciscan University, my desire and calling was to go to China. I went there to serve for a month. It was beautiful, life-altering, and transforming. Such a gift from the Lord directly to my heart. I returned to the States and to a tough decision about where to go next. Even though my heart was still in China, I accepted a job to work at a parish in mid-west suburbia as a youth minister.

I struggled daily, wondering constantly: what was I doing in the mid-west suburbs when I dreamed of missions? After a year serving in the suburbs, I considered leaving and finding a place to volunteer for a year while I figured things out. I went so far as to interview at a volunteer position in Arizona. I wanted to go, but it felt terribly empty inside. I prayed that God would change my heart and let me see His will. I begged Him, thinking that if I prayed hard enough, He would open up something somewhere and let me leave.

I stopped at home briefly and talked to dear friends and family about my discernment - should I go or should I stay? I talked about the volunteer opportunities. One woman looked at me and said, "Wow. that's tough, but I have no doubt that whatever you choose you'll do fine. You have the heart of a lion..." It hit me like a brick. If I had the heart of a lion, why didn't I have a heart for the parish I had served for a year? Why did it seem like my ministry was such a struggle?

The pursuit for other work was coming up empty and I had no idea why or what to do. I left for a week to go to Arizona. Each night away from St. Louis, I found myself missing the city, the people, the parish, and the teens. I tried desperately to ignore the feeling, but it wouldn't go away. It wasn't until I was driving back from the airport to the parish in St. Louis that it hit me. I felt like I was coming home. At first I laughed out loud, then I just started crying. Tears streaming down my face. That night I couldn't stop smiling. It was powerful, overwhelming, and strikingly clear.

God had indeed changed my heart. Confirmation after confirmation. I knew it. Yet I was afraid, could I allow myself to fully embrace this mission? What would it look like? Could I handle it? Questions raced in, casting doubt, about my ability and my calling. After a few days of questioning God and those feelings of my heart, I finally listened to the Spirit's movement. All those doubts of my mind didn't matter nearly as much as the convicting clarity the Spirit had given to my heart. I knew where I belonged.

No matter where I am, I am called to love. That is God's will for me in Christ Jesus. And if I do have the heart of a lion...God has a lot of heart to teach how to love. Obviously, He's not through teaching me all I need to learn in St. Louis. When it's time to go, I have no doubt He'll change my heart. And if it takes a while to get through to me, then we will all know it's because lions have big hearts.

Making God Laugh

"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans..."

I tend to make God laugh. I'm a planner by nature. I like to dream big dreams, plan, plot, and pitch new projects. It's how I work. I like to have things figured out. Set to go. On the way somewhere. Anywhere. Fast (My cartoon version would be a big blue blur with a tan blurred head).

This weekend I had a moment of revelation when I spent time with some good friends of mine. These women are not technically family, but we might as well be related. We are like sisters. They are the people I feel the most comfortable with in the entire world. And I am blessed to have them in my life. So I was hanging out with these women this weekend because we were all going to a wedding of a mutual friend of ours.

Anyway, back to my moment...I had a moment when I was simply spending time with these women when I realized that I had been planning for something, plotting, organizing, and working hard because I had decided that I knew where I was going. That, finally, after months of confusion, I had a direction and gosh darnit I was going to do what I was going to do. Period. End of story.

Then about a week ago (after much solo planning), I started to listen to the movement of the Holy Spirit within my own heart. And what I thought I was going to do, I could no longer do. I was forced to stop everything and just let it go. Wow. What a feeling. All this planning, plotting, praying, agonizing over God's will....and in an instant (it seemed that way...) it all stopped with the breath of His Spirit moving in my heart.

A lot of times in my life, I've wondered about how the heck I'm supposed to know what God wants. People just say you're supposed to pray, read the Bible, and make decisions trusting that God will work. Or others preach about signs and wonders. They saw something, they heard something, they were given concrete, literal signs pointing them in the chosen direction. They make it all sound so simple. But really sometimes it's not. Sometimes it can be very complicated. At least I make it that way. Lol. God's all about the journey when often times I'm just rushing to a destination. Why?

Well, you know what, God is mysterious. Not like some wacky murder mystery for genius minds or a dark figure lurking around in the corner. He is mystery. He wants us to be in awe and wonder before Him. To be in mystery. To be in worship and surrender. Total surrender. For some of us (especially the stubborn Irish type), it takes a bigger push (or pull) in our lives to get us to that point.

In the last several months, God has brought me to the point of utter confusion. Utter confusion. Why? Because He wanted me to wander around aimlessly?? Nope (Even though he did it to the Israelites and I certainly deserved it...). Because He wanted to play a joke on me? Nada. Instead, He was inviting me into a place of complete surrender. But I fought it. I wanted to plan, remember? Instead of giving up and giving to Him, I tried to take control, think rationally, solve my own problems.

So I struggled through 5 generally miserable months of confusion, chaos, and struggle. I tried to pray and felt like every time I was getting nowhere. The reason why was that I was spending all my time telling God how to be God - how to solve my problems, make my life stress free, and how I was going to live for Him. (Ha. It's funny now...not so much then...). I was wasting time marketing my plan to the Almighty Creator. Then after all this product pitching with God, I surrendered and then He moved my heart.

Did you know He can do that? He is so powerful that His Spirit can come inside of your heart and move it, change it, and inspire it in the blink of an eye. It really is quite incredible. And because of that moment of the Spirit moving in my heart through very human emotion, I now know exactly where I am called and what I am supposed to be doing right now in my life. I know that I am called to be a youth minister and live as a single woman striving for holiness in every day life. Simple.

However, it is the first time in a year that I have known God's will for me. It really is incredible. A gift from God. And the funny thing is, I didn't plan it and I am sure it made God laugh.