I Confess.

Without a doubt, one of the most challenging aspects of my life as a Catholic Christian is the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It can be at the same time both transforming and terrifying. With the move, a new job, and just having transition in my life, I was finding that I did not have a lot of time for my own personal spiritual life. I felt an ache in my heart to go back to Reconciliation but whenever I thought I would finally have the chance to get to a Reconciliation time at a parish, something inevitably would come up.

Which I confess, I didn't really mind. I didn't really want to go confess my sins (who actually enjoys that....unless you are already a saint....) but I knew that the Lord was drawing my heart to encounter with Him in this Sacrament. He wanted to bring healing to my mind and my heart...how could I keep saying no to that? I had been avoiding this Sacrament...mainly because I had been losing faith and confidence in myself; and in God working in me and in my life; all lies.

So I prayed for courage, strength, and the time in my schedule to make it to a parish somewhere to enter into a new stage in my relationship with Jesus and to experience the deep healing of his forgiveness....

I truly believe God put the details together for me. Working for a church, you kind of want to keep the balance and boundary in your life of not going to any of the priests you work with for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I was praying that God would show me where to go to receive this Sacrament. For some reason, St. Leo kept popping into my head...I couldn't even remember where the church was or how far away it was...I wasn't even sure that I had ever been there. I google mapped it and planned to go the next day on Saturday afternoon. It was the only parish that happened to have confessions at a time that I could go and still get to Mass back at St. Joe's on Saturday evening. Everything fell into place.

The whole way there my stomach was in knots....my nerves felt like they were eating me alive. But still I felt the strong presence of the Holy Spirit drawing my heart and the soft hand of God guiding me. I knew there was some reason I was going and something that He wanted to speak to my heart.

When I pulled into the parking lot, it was cold and dreary, like a ghost town....there were barely any cars and no other people around. I could feel my heart start to beat faster. I took a deep breath and walked to the church. The church was empty and all the lights were out. I thought for a moment that I was in the wrong place....luckily someone else walked in who had never been there before either. It was like God was showing me through this person that I could do this and that He was leading me. My new friend and I wandered around the foyer for a moment before finding out that the confessions took place in a chapel located at the front of the church.

The chapel was immediately calming - beautiful, lightly lit, with a crucifix above the altar that immediately drew my heart. I felt Jesus say to me - I've been waiting for you. I knelt down to pray for a moment and then got into the line that had begun to form. I was restless in line - extremely anxious....I kept reminding myself that Jesus already took everything on the Cross and also that He would give me the strength (I can do all things through Him who gives me strength....).  I prayed a rosary....and felt that He was already renewing my faith. All that I know is that I am a sinner and He is the Savior.

I watched as other people came out of confession...they unknowingly strengthened my resolve to confess everything to Jesus. It takes great courage to make a good confession...especially if you have been fighting and struggling in your heart. I felt a surge of inner confidence as I approached....the light from inside the confessional piercing the darkness of the chapel (and of my heart....). I knew it was the moment to let go.

What came next was one of the most if not the most powerful experience of Reconciliation with Jesus that I have ever had in my life....and I can say that I am so glad that I face the anxiety and the struggle that it some times takes to get myself to that Sacrament. I know that I met with Jesus that day. I felt like I was sitting down with Him face-to-face, and He was pouring out all His love on my sins. The words of the priest that day. Wow. I know without a doubt that the Holy Spirit was speaking through him in a powerful way for me. I want to share a couple of things the priest said to me that I had never heard before - and that I feel are extremely powerful for facing sin in our lives and remembering that Jesus wants to bring us healing.

1. Satan will try to attack your thoughts from the moment that you get up in the morning - anything that is negative is from him. Ignore him.
2. He will try to get you to do one of two things:
• Get you to sin. This has two outcomes - You don't sin and you resist him, then Jesus wins. Or you do sin and Jesus takes it on, then Jesus wins. Either way Jesus wins over sin. (In a dark alley when you fear sin or are scared after you sin - Jesus is like a martial arts black belt protecting you...call out to Him always).
• Make you despair. Negative thoughts - you're no good, you're a terrible person, you're not worthy of God's love. This is not from God. You can't think this way - it's not good for the body of Christ and the people that God wants you to serve. We are all in need of mercy and Jesus pours it out freely so in all things you can know Jesus has already and will always defeat Satan.
3. Sacraments are free. So if Jesus is calling you to receive the Sacraments then go receive them!!

I bawled my eyes out in the confessional as Jesus brought healing to my mind and heart. It was a graced day because in the Sacrament I encountered the Risen Christ who truly brings healing from sin and frees us - He brings us to new life. I felt like I had a personal Easter that day. Let Jesus renew your soul....it is worth facing your anxiety, your sin, and your darkness - He will take it all and give you true joy and fill your heart with His love.

Why Distance Doesn't Matter

At the end of January, I relocated from St. Louis back to Pennsylvania to take a job working as the Coordinator of Religious Education at my home church, where both my grandparents and brother attend Mass every Sunday. Most friends and family were surprised when the announcement came out that I was moving because I'm in a serious dating relationship with Greg, and have been for almost 3 years. "Isn't that going to be difficult?"...."Is everything okay?"..."What's going to happen next?" People seemed pretty concerned - but we had to laugh.

Here's a little of the back story...

When Greg and I first started dating, it was difficult for me to be able to communicate with him. At one point, I even wrote letters to try to get what I was feeling out!  One thing that attracted me to Greg was his ability to say what he was feeling as he was feeling it, not holding back, and being completely honest about it. I have never had to guess how Greg is feeling about something because he always tells me!

Slowly, trust was built in our relationship with each other and talking about everything became easier for me. Most people who met me when I first started working in St. Louis witnessed a big change in me as I began dating Greg. He opened me up even when I didn't have the words. He has an uncanny ability to read me like a book and he won't take "nothing" for an answer! I also know that he wants what is best for me and for us as a couple, and that he is 110% in this.

We've had our ups and downs, like all couples, and some good hard core fights (just ask Greg's friend, Pat lol). I would not take those hard moments back for the world because I feel that we have learned so much about how to communicate with each other and the ways our words can effect the other person. It's saying what we mean in a way the other person can hear. Always a challenge - but worth the commitment. And plus, we can laugh at those moments now....

So, when the job was advertised at my home parish over 800 miles away and my grandparents called to tell me about it - Greg didn't hesitate to tell me how he felt about it - "You need to take this interview!" - confident about the amazing things that could come from it for me and also for our relationship. My immediate reaction was, "No. I do not need to do this, Think about how hard the distance is going to be."

We had many in-depth conversations about what would be challenging and the vast amount of blessings that could come from this move for me. I took the interview...unsure if I would actually get the job...but knowing that Greg and I could handle it if I was offered the job. After I returned to St. Louis after the interview, I had a gut feeling that I probably would get the job and I spent a lot of time praying and telling God that I didn't want this job offer but knew that I needed it and that in fact it would be a huge answer to prayer if I received an offer.

In December, I got the call and everything started to become a reality as I prepared to transition and move. Greg was immediately reassuring about our relationship, about how it would cause us to be even stronger as a couple, and how good this was for me personally. We were used to talking every day already by phone, communicating about everything, and sometimes not seeing each other except for once a week because of our jobs or other commitments. We could handle this. Especially with the plan of one day being able to be married to each other and living in the same place without the burden of financial debt!!

Many couples have to deal with distance at one time or another in the span of their relationship, whether in dating or in marriage, due to job responsibilities, financial burdens, or military moves. It happens quite a lot, so by no means did we have to try to re-invent the wheel on how to deal with the emotion or tension of being in two different places. We talked it through almost daily leading up to the moving day, and I wrote a list of all the positives and negatives of the move so that we could remind ourselves in the days to come that this was the best decision. One of the other things Greg made clear to me was that he was not saying goodbye. This was simply a see you later. That really helped me to stay positive about everything.

It's true that the hardest day for us was the day I started the long drive back to Pennsylvania. I will never forget that day. It was draining emotionally and a huge difficulty for both of us. It wasn't something that either one of us wanted to do but it's also true that it was a sign of the deep love that we have for each other. There was a moment when I broke down on the way back, but within two minutes, Greg had decided to call me and we were able to talk through the tough spot. Again by being positive - we can do this, this isn't that hard, and this move is a good thing for you and for us.

And that really is why distance doesn't matter. Yes, there are moments when we miss each other or when we wish we were in the same place. But there's something more important that underlies everything for both of us - the desire for what is truly best for the other, trust, and the commitment to love and sacrifice for the best, both for our relationship not just for now but for the future. And that makes me feel loved, incredibly blessed, and incredibly happy.

Do you want the Cross? Meditating on Jesus' Passion

My heart was not in Lent this year. I grudgingly went to the Ash Wednesday service. Inside I was feeling farther from God than close to Him. The only thing in prayer that I felt called to offer up for Lent was donuts...talk about feeling like a spiritual weakling! I dreaded answering the fated question, "So, Erica, what are you giving up for Lent?" I listened to my friend's grand plans to give up alcohol or Facebook or television AND movies for Lent....and I had donuts on my list. I felt tired, weary, and it was day 1 of 40.

Something changed. It may seem like a simple revelation, but it was the way it hit my heart. I was suffering restlessly through a Thursday in Adoration at St. Joseph Church with the youth catechism (YouCat), half-reading/half-skimming/(half-nodding off) through a section about Jesus (woah...), just trying to get through my prayer time, when I happened to catch the question,

 "Was Jesus really dead? Maybe he was able to rise again because he only appeared to have suffered death." and the answer, "Jesus really died on the Cross; his body was buried. All the sources testify to this" (YouCat paragraph 103).

I re-read that statement probably 10 times in a row. I felt baffled by it. My heart sunk - I thought about the fact that Roman soldiers had made the determination that Jesus was dead. The finality of death applied to Jesus, the Son of God, Jesus, all powerful healer, Lord of Lords, King of Kings... hit me like a ton of bricks. Death. It seems so final...so unfitting...so unreal. I knew God was trying to speak something to my heart....but what?

After that "Jesus really died" moment in Adoration, God started to give me ample opportunities to pray the Stations of the Cross, the traditional 14 step journey with Jesus to his death and burial in the tomb. All different versions and meditations of it (God knows I get bored easily...), first it was Stations that my friends invited me to come to based on the Scripture verses surrounding Jesus' Passion and Death, then it was the Religious Ed Stations with the kids in the program I coordinate, and finally a candlelit meditation where my brother happened to be running sound.

Slowly the power of Jesus' free choice to save us started to sink in to my mind. During the last set of Stations, as I finally closed my eyes and settled into prayer, the haunting image of Jesus' face with the crown of thorns surrounding his head came into my mind. There was no hate there, only love. "Jesus was going to die" the phrase still resounding in my heart from Adoration. He knew that he was going to die, and he was choosing to die. I sat with that image for days afterwards. And even though the image of His suffering was in my mind, I still felt so far from Him. Like a stranger observing an historical event that happened far too long ago...and not a disciple, let alone a close friend...

A couple of weeks later, I found myself at Adoration again. This time I came expecting, listening, and ready for Jesus to say something to me. I opened a prayer book to see that the reflection for that day was on "Meditating on the Passion"....I will simply write here part of the meditation I read that struck me,

"We do well then to contemplate Our Lord's Passion....sometimes we imagine ourselves to be there, present amongst those who witnessed those moments....We put ourselves among the onlookers and see the disfigured yet noble face of Jesus. Astonishingly, we feel his infinite patience. With the help of grace, moreover, we can also try to contemplate the Passion of Christ as He himself lived it. It seems impossible, and of course it will always be a very impoverished view...but it can become for us an extraordinarily rich source of prayer..." (In Conversation with God, page 231-232).

My immediate reaction to was to rebel against this idea. Who wants to walk with Jesus on the Way of the Cross? It's a terrible, ugly, a brutal thing to witness....and now you are saying that you want me to imagine that I am one with Jesus in His suffering, in His Passion? St. Leo the Great tells us, "Whoever truly wishes to venerate the Passion of the Lord should contemplate Jesus crucified with the eyes of his soul, and in such a way that he identifies his own body with that of Jesus." Really Lord? What good could that possibly do for us now? This happened so long ago. As if the author could read my mind, the next section of the reflection was entitled, "The fruits of such meditation." So this is a good thing God?

"The divine and human events of the Passion will then pierce our soul as words spoken to us by God to uncover the secrets of our heart and show us what he expects of our lives...It is in Christ's wounds that we learn of the evil of sin which condemned him to suffer...It is in Christ's wounds that we find proof of his great love for us, for He endured such terrible pain and suffering precisely so as to show us just how much he loved us...A sin, therefore, is so much more than a human error...His Passion will inflame our love..."

The gravity and finality of Christ's Passion and Death should weigh on my mind and heart. Not just in moments when I am praying but in moments when I am faced with sin, with struggle, and with my own suffering. Both when it is a cross that I want to take on (like facing Confession when it is extremely difficult or offering up donuts for Lent) AND when it is a cross that I do not want (like taxes or illness or loneliness or pain). Jesus suffered as much as it is possible for a man to suffer, He truly died, and He truly was raised. This is what we enter into during Holy Week and at every Mass where we enter into His Passion, Death, and Resurrection. The joy of the Resurrection is found through this Way of the Cross (not around it) - may we all have the courage to enter in - both in prayer and in our lives.