I Confess.

Without a doubt, one of the most challenging aspects of my life as a Catholic Christian is the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It can be at the same time both transforming and terrifying. With the move, a new job, and just having transition in my life, I was finding that I did not have a lot of time for my own personal spiritual life. I felt an ache in my heart to go back to Reconciliation but whenever I thought I would finally have the chance to get to a Reconciliation time at a parish, something inevitably would come up.

Which I confess, I didn't really mind. I didn't really want to go confess my sins (who actually enjoys that....unless you are already a saint....) but I knew that the Lord was drawing my heart to encounter with Him in this Sacrament. He wanted to bring healing to my mind and my heart...how could I keep saying no to that? I had been avoiding this Sacrament...mainly because I had been losing faith and confidence in myself; and in God working in me and in my life; all lies.

So I prayed for courage, strength, and the time in my schedule to make it to a parish somewhere to enter into a new stage in my relationship with Jesus and to experience the deep healing of his forgiveness....

I truly believe God put the details together for me. Working for a church, you kind of want to keep the balance and boundary in your life of not going to any of the priests you work with for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I was praying that God would show me where to go to receive this Sacrament. For some reason, St. Leo kept popping into my head...I couldn't even remember where the church was or how far away it was...I wasn't even sure that I had ever been there. I google mapped it and planned to go the next day on Saturday afternoon. It was the only parish that happened to have confessions at a time that I could go and still get to Mass back at St. Joe's on Saturday evening. Everything fell into place.

The whole way there my stomach was in knots....my nerves felt like they were eating me alive. But still I felt the strong presence of the Holy Spirit drawing my heart and the soft hand of God guiding me. I knew there was some reason I was going and something that He wanted to speak to my heart.

When I pulled into the parking lot, it was cold and dreary, like a ghost town....there were barely any cars and no other people around. I could feel my heart start to beat faster. I took a deep breath and walked to the church. The church was empty and all the lights were out. I thought for a moment that I was in the wrong place....luckily someone else walked in who had never been there before either. It was like God was showing me through this person that I could do this and that He was leading me. My new friend and I wandered around the foyer for a moment before finding out that the confessions took place in a chapel located at the front of the church.

The chapel was immediately calming - beautiful, lightly lit, with a crucifix above the altar that immediately drew my heart. I felt Jesus say to me - I've been waiting for you. I knelt down to pray for a moment and then got into the line that had begun to form. I was restless in line - extremely anxious....I kept reminding myself that Jesus already took everything on the Cross and also that He would give me the strength (I can do all things through Him who gives me strength....).  I prayed a rosary....and felt that He was already renewing my faith. All that I know is that I am a sinner and He is the Savior.

I watched as other people came out of confession...they unknowingly strengthened my resolve to confess everything to Jesus. It takes great courage to make a good confession...especially if you have been fighting and struggling in your heart. I felt a surge of inner confidence as I approached....the light from inside the confessional piercing the darkness of the chapel (and of my heart....). I knew it was the moment to let go.

What came next was one of the most if not the most powerful experience of Reconciliation with Jesus that I have ever had in my life....and I can say that I am so glad that I face the anxiety and the struggle that it some times takes to get myself to that Sacrament. I know that I met with Jesus that day. I felt like I was sitting down with Him face-to-face, and He was pouring out all His love on my sins. The words of the priest that day. Wow. I know without a doubt that the Holy Spirit was speaking through him in a powerful way for me. I want to share a couple of things the priest said to me that I had never heard before - and that I feel are extremely powerful for facing sin in our lives and remembering that Jesus wants to bring us healing.

1. Satan will try to attack your thoughts from the moment that you get up in the morning - anything that is negative is from him. Ignore him.
2. He will try to get you to do one of two things:
• Get you to sin. This has two outcomes - You don't sin and you resist him, then Jesus wins. Or you do sin and Jesus takes it on, then Jesus wins. Either way Jesus wins over sin. (In a dark alley when you fear sin or are scared after you sin - Jesus is like a martial arts black belt protecting you...call out to Him always).
• Make you despair. Negative thoughts - you're no good, you're a terrible person, you're not worthy of God's love. This is not from God. You can't think this way - it's not good for the body of Christ and the people that God wants you to serve. We are all in need of mercy and Jesus pours it out freely so in all things you can know Jesus has already and will always defeat Satan.
3. Sacraments are free. So if Jesus is calling you to receive the Sacraments then go receive them!!

I bawled my eyes out in the confessional as Jesus brought healing to my mind and heart. It was a graced day because in the Sacrament I encountered the Risen Christ who truly brings healing from sin and frees us - He brings us to new life. I felt like I had a personal Easter that day. Let Jesus renew your soul....it is worth facing your anxiety, your sin, and your darkness - He will take it all and give you true joy and fill your heart with His love.